Why we do therapy
I have read in various blogs, essays and articles, of parents not wishing to fix their child who has Autism, a language disorder, or is otherwise developmentally delayed. Therapies are eschewed in favor of a desire to accept the child as is. As in, this is how he or she communicates or plays or whatever. It’s different than how the vast majority of us do the same thing, but it’s just as valuable and we should accept it.
The value part of the equation is a no-brainer for me. My child, and every other human being, is valuable. Period. Valued because of their differences, not in spite of them. And for some things, I can accept that there is a difference. Hand flapping, for example. It doesn’t bother me the least when Chee flaps her hands when she’s excited or upset. Just because it’s a trait commonly connected with children who have Autism does not make it socially unacceptable. Nor do I feel it is unique to children and adults who are on the Spectrum. Maybe more common among that population, but not exclusive.
When it comes to using language and communicating effectively, I feel differently. I do not accept now that she will forever struggle to express herself or have difficulty answering basic questions. Especially when she is as yet so young and especially when the struggle is not due to not knowing the answer, but is in not being able to retrieve it. I also do not accept that she will always have social difficulties. I don’t believe Chee prefers to play alone, I think she is unsure of how to play with her peers.
What I DO accept, however, is that Chee learns differently.
When Chee first started speech therapy, my mindset was that our goal was to get her caught up. I didn’t want her to struggle in school and stand out as different than her peers.
As I’ve become educated about developmental “delays” and have grown to appreciate her differences, and observed what makes her unique, I no longer think of the purpose of language and occupational therapy as getting her caught up. I realize now that what separates Chee from her peers has everything to do with how she learns and processes the world around her.
She is an incredibly strong visual learner. Far stronger visual learner than a typical child, and far stronger than other means of learning within herself. So strong of a visual learner that at 2 years old she was spelling words. By 3 she had taught herself how to read. Read well. Above and beyond what you would expect of a child her age.
Wherein the spoken word will not completely register with her, the written word makes a strong impact. When I need to get through to her, writing it down helps. Far, far more than telling her.
It’s sort of like her brain is over-developed in this one area, but at the expense of other areas. I view my job not as to FIX her, but to help her become more well-rounded. To use more parts of her brain.
I want her to make friends.
I want her to learn appropriate social skills.
I want her to express her thoughts comfortably and freely.
If she had strong arms, but weak legs, would I not help her develop her leg muscles so that she could use her entire body to her fullest ability? I know I certainly wouldn’t let the muscles atrophy simply because she was naturally gifted at using her arms.
If Chee were diagnosed as having Dyslexia, rather than Hyperlexia, there would be no question that I would have her in whatever therapies necessary to help her overcome Dyslexia and learn how to read. Because not knowing how to read would be considered a huge disadvantage in life.
I consider not being able to engage in reciprocal communication, answer simple questions, or make friends to also be a disadvantage.
I respect Chee’s learning style, and I will work with her natural born tendencies and interests to help her acquire skills that she is not naturally picking up. Body language, for example. Reciprocal communication, for example.
Chee is not broken, and she’s not in speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy and special needs preschool so that she can be fixed. I’m not signing her up for a social therapy group this summer so that she can be transformed into something she’s not.
She’s in those programs because she’s unique. Because her mind doesn’t operate in typical fashion. Together, her therapists, her teachers and me, with Chee as our guide, we are learning about her … so that she can learn how to navigate her world, to be the best possible person that she can be.
My goal is not to make her just like everyone else. I don’t think I could even if I tried. There will be others who are more socially savvy than her, better artists, stronger athletes. Everyone is gifted in some area. Just like the parent of a gifted athlete wouldn’t allow their child’s athletic (gross motor) skills to develop at the expense of their mathematical abilities, neither will I let Chee’s reading (and visual processing) skills develop at the expense of her social skills or fine motor skills.
My job as a mother is to hope for the best for my children. To provide them every opportunity that I can to be the best that they can be. And to accept them as they are - at whatever their best is.
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
Your thoughts here are helping me as I prepare to meet with B’s Montessori staff to discuss goals.
This is an important post, one that speaks to the point of blogging about these questions. Because language can be so slippery, and we can wind up talking around each other because our understanding of a particular word, or phrase, may differ.
By articulating your thoughts like this, for yourself, and for your readers, it illuminates the discussion. It shines a light on the language we use and says “this is what I mean when I talk about ________”. This is so important when the language surrounding ASD issues has grown to be so politicized.
My own relation to the notion of “fixing” B rears its head not in terms of speech therapy, or OT, or playgroup therapy, but when his challenges are placed within a medical context. That doesn’t sit well with me. Nor does the diet discussion.
Thanks for continuing to voice your thoughts here.
Very nice post. Yours is the second this week that I’ve read where parents are discussing whether they do therapy to “fix” their child or whether they do it to support, etc. You’ve inspired me to take on this same question in my own blog - post coming soon
Thanks!
Very well said.
You can’t fit square peg into a round hole, but you can look at the square and the hole and see how you can work with both of them to get along famously.
I like the optimism in “the parent of a gifted athlete wouldn’t allow their child’s athletic (gross motor) skills to develop at the expense of their mathematical abilities”. We can hope, can’t we.
The idea that dyslexia is a gift has become such a “truth” that many dyslexics and parents believe that they will lose something if they participate
with an intervention to improve reading.
I guess I will use the word silly to describe what I think of that position.
It is also common with dyslexia to generate long lists of famous thinkers in the past and say they were dyslexic as if their dyslexia contributed to their acomplishments. I suspect that most on those lists were not dyslexic and the ones that were saw success dispite their dyslexia not because of it.
Amen. You are a special Mom and I really enjoy your perspective.
ITA. I never knew there was this “treat” or “not treat” debate - it would’ve never occurred to me NOT to do therapies or help our son. But I’ve never done those things with the goal of “fixing” him, just helping him be the best him he can be. And I recognize when therapies are becoming less productive and less fun and have adjusted accordingly. Gone are the days when we had some therapy appointment every day - back then he LOVED to hang with adults all the time. Now that he wants to be around other kids, we spend much more time at the park, which is OT/PT/ST in and of itself.
Well said!
Darcy
Perfect. Perfectly said. I love this!
I’m not sure that there is a treat or not treat debate. Some therapies are questionable, no doubt, but in general I think most people are pro early intervention.
What I have read a few times, especially lately, is this idea of accepting the delays as just part of who the child is. For me, I can’t accept that. At least not yet.
To provide them with opportunity.
My son is 19 and does not speak or use pecs or sign etc, put i still and will always provide him with these and other options.
Good post.
i love this. yes. i feel the same way.
I can’t imagine not wanting to know how to help your child achieve. I have also heard parents’ decry “labeling” and “diagnosis”, but I think that it is all part of knowing your child. My son, Gabe (hyperlexic), isn’t BROKEN, but he has strengths and weaknesses just like every other child and why wouldn’t we help them grow in strengths and learn about and from weaknesses?
This was a great post. It really puts things into perspective. I’m not against treating J, we are just trying to find out what would be most beneficial to him without over taxing him. So far we are really loving OT and special pre-school.