We spent the last two weeks entertaining family, not every day, but most days. A slight detour in the plans and some of the extended family was unable to visit (my grandmother fractured her hip but she’s doing quite well all things considered).

During this time I learned a few things about Chee that I hadn’t quite zeroed in on before. One of those is that Chee knows herself. Knows herself well. Having a same-age cousin visiting created far more opportunity for social interaction than is typical. I would observe Chee play with her cousin for awhile and then go to another room and play by herself. All of M’s best efforts could not persuade Chee to come back till she was ready. Till she’d had time to re-energize. Alone. Often she’d pull me in to their game and want me to play with them. Very often she’d engage me after a time of engaging with M.

One morning a storm canceled our plans to go to the pool, so we opted for an indoor play center. There was another group of kids already there when we arrived. Ess had fallen asleep on the ride over so she was sleeping in my arms in the (quiet) lobby while Chee and M were to go in the main playroom. Chee repeatedly came out to sit by me. And when she did go in the room, she sat right by her aunt and played just by herself. At first this surprised me. Chee is very familiar with this place as she took an art class for sensory kids here. And typically she loves it and asks often to go. I kept telling her, Go inside and play with M. Repeatedly I ushered her back in, only to have her come back out a few minutes later.

When the other group of kids left, she bounced in and was all over the place. Jumping in the ball pit, sliding down the slide, cooking in the ‘kitchen.’ She was herself again. The Chee I’m used to seeing at this place.

I found myself, over the last couple of weeks, telling her to go play with M, go see what M is doing, ask M if she wants to do this or that.

And what Chee was telling me, with her actions rather than her words, was I need time to myself. I need smaller groups. I need my Mom nearby.

With extra family around, and me wanting so hard for Chee to be more social, to show how far she’s come, I pushed her further than she was ready. But the good thing is, she let me know. She knew what she needed, and she went for it. I need space and I need security. Don’t push me before I’m ready.

Which brings me to Dramakinetics. The first week did not go well, the 2nd week went slightly better. It was okay when it didn’t go well when I could solely focus on Chee, but when I have Ess to take care of, it was harder. Much harder. Chee’s crying leads to Ess crying which leads to Chee crying harder (which leads to a nice headache for me). Chee did participate in the last 15-20 minutes, which was an improvement over the previous week, but it took a lot of effort to get there. Was it worth it? I don’t know. I do know I hate quitting things, but I also hate all of us being miserable and starting our week out on such a negative note.

And I have to ask myself, is Chee ready for this? I’m all for pushing her through challenges and helping her overcome her anxiety. But I also need to listen to Chee. She worked through her discomfort with the Tumbling class – marching in there the 2nd week raring to go. Perhaps that’s enough for right now.

Times like this, when I’m so uncertain what is the right thing to do, I need to quiet myself and listen to Chee. She has proven that she knows what she needs.