A few months ago, an online friend of mine enrolled her daughter in a preschool that mixes typical children with special needs children in the classroom. She shared that knowing about Chee and her special needs/typical preschool experience made her desire that same kind of class for her daughter Lane, even though Lane doesn’t require any special services. I was really glad to hear that our experience had influenced Lisa in such a positive way.

Prior to having a child with developmental delays (aka Special Needs), I was entirely unfamiliar with the subject. I didn’t know anyone with a child receiving special education. Certainly I never expected my own child would be one. About 3 months before I contacted our school district about their preschool program, someone mentioned to me the idea of the public, special needs preschool, and I remember saying, Oh, she doesn’t need that. She’s not disabled.

I really believed that.

I thought special education was for the disabled – which to me meant physically and/or mentally handicapped. Not for a kid who had a language delay or speech delay. It never occurred to me that her significant delay in fine motor skills alone (-2.67 standard deviations from the norm) would qualify my daughter for special education. It wasn’t a matter of denial as much it was a matter of ignorance.

Prior to my own child’s experience with an IEP, I only knew one person who had a child with an IEP. I’ll be honest and admit that I assumed she had one because she needed help due to not being very intelligent. That’s what I thought IEP meant - not very smart, needs extra help. Again, a matter of ignorance. And stupid assumptions.

Obviously, I am ignorant no more.

I’m very open about Chee’s disability. This was not always the case.

I abhor pity. It’s why I initially kept quiet about Chee’s early speech therapy to friends. I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone feeling sorry for me. It’s why, at the time, I didn’t share my struggles with infertility either. After the fact, no problem; but during, no. I didn’t want anyone thinking, Poor dear, she can’t get pregnant.

I no longer hide from any of my friends or acquaintances that she has Sensory Processing Disorder, and a Language Delay, and that she’s behind in her Fine Motor skills. I openly share that she is in Special Needs Preschool with an IEP. Part of my reasoning is that I assume most people are ignorant about disabilities unless closely connected to someone with one. And I assume that those that are ignorant, like I was, probably make false assumptions, like I did.

When I think about my own earlier assumptions about IEPs, I cringe.

What if people think of my daughter as less capable, less intelligent? I know better now, and I’m burdened to enlighten others.

Chee’s potential for development is huge, she has already progressed tremendously, and will continue to. Yet, she might still need an IEP in Kindergarten in two years. Maybe First Grade. Maybe beyond. We don’t know.

The Mama Bear in me would like to prevent as many false assumptions about my girl as I can. I know, it’s not possible to enlighten everyone. No matter how open I am, there are still individuals who will think that she is slow or not very intelligent simply because she is in special needs preschool. Because she has an IEP.

There are probably friends, acquaintances, distant relatives in my life right now who do not know Chee, who maybe have only read about her, or met her a few times, who think of her as that way. Whatever that way is. Perhaps they feel sorry for me because of what I “have to deal with” (there’s a line I’ve heard too many times – “I could never do what you do.”).

Chee’s disability is not about me though. If friends or acquaintances wish to pity me because of Chee’s challenges, so be it.

If being open about her challenges, about her IEP, creates greater understanding, and more empathy, than it’s worth it. It’s worth it when a friend says, Because of you, because of Chee, I’m sending my daughter to a blended preschool, something I wouldn’t have considered before.

It’s worth it to me for the people around us to recognize that disabled doesn’t have to mean less intelligent, it doesn’t always mean uses a wheelchair. IEPs aren’t for kids who are slow.

In the not too distant past, my goal was to get Chee caught up and more like her peers. And in some ways that is still true. I want her social skills to develop and her language skills to catch up. But not so that labels can be removed or avoided as was my earlier reasoning.

No, now it’s for her. Life is better with friends with whom you can share your feelings.

Relationships are the stuff of life after all.

So I will continue to be open about Chee. By changing my attitude about sharing her disability, we have the opportunity to change others. To impact our small corner of the world.

I’ve always been inspired by Ghandi, who said that we must become the change we want to see in the world. I’m no Ghandi, but I think this is what he meant. Just a little bit maybe. Either way, it feels right.