Those have become the magic words.

Lately, as in the last few months, Chee has developed world class skills in arguing and being obstinate. I can only imagine how this will eventually lead to negotiation, which is a good thing (I think?), but right now we’re stuck at obstinate.

For example,

I call out from the kitchen: Chee, Ess, lunchtime!

Chee responds: No, I’m just going to keep playing. You guys can eat lunch.

I counter with, No, it’s time for lunch. Take a break from playing and let’s eat.

She digs in her heels. No, no, no. I’m NOT taking a break. I want to play!

I sigh. You have to eat something.

She changes her tactic: I want a snack, not lunch!!

It’s not just with coming to the table to eat that she does this.

She will be playing with toys while doing the wiggly jiggly dance indicating a need for a potty break. I make a suggestion. Chee, why don’t you just get up and go potty.

No, no, no. I want to play. Play, then potty!

Sometimes we will go back and forth on this for a long time. Usually I get sooo frustrated and will become fearful of a repeat of last summer’s potty regression.

One surprisingly brilliant day (me being the brilliant one), I decided to give a try the ‘tactic’ I use to get us out the door for appointments and such. I made up a plan.

I notice the wiggly jiggly dance (because, God forbid, she just go to the potty when she needs to).

Okay, Chee, here’s the plan.

With that simple phrase, I totally have her attention. Every single time. (It’s critical that rolling out the plan start with the phrase, Okay, here’s the plan.)

First, you’re going to stand up. Then you’re going to go pee pee on the potty. Then we’re going to [insert redirection to any new activity, even if it's just moving to another room to play].

She will immediately repeat the plan back to me while I nod vigorously in affirmation. Okay, first I’m going to get up, then go to the potty, then we’ll [go read a book in the family room].

Then she’ll follow the plan.

Similarly, I’ll have lunch prepared and I’m about to set it on the table.

Okay, girls [I always include Ess when I can], here’s the plan. First, you’re going to stand up. Then you go wash your hands in the bathroom. Then you dry them. Then you’re going to eat lunch. After lunch, we’ll watch a show. (They like lots of steps, the more the better.)

Again, she verbally repeats it back to me, I affirm, and she follows the plan.

Every. Single. Time.

Ess, too, although she doesn’t need a plan If I just say, Ess, please go wash your hands and come eat lunch, she will hurry to do it as fast as she can. (Well, the handwashing part she will. Odds are she’ll just look at her food.)

With Chee, though, I think there are several things at play. She doesn’t easily jump from one activity to the next. This is newish for her. I don’t remember ever feeling like simple transitions were tough for her.

I blame preschool. At preschool they are all about transitions and preparing the kids for what’s coming next. The kids have structure to the day (by day I mean 2 1/2 hours), they know what to expect. My guess is that Chee feels very comfortable in that structure and has gotten very used to the transitions.

Then she comes home and in the middle of her happily playing I will just announce that it’s time to go potty. Or that it’s time for lunch. That abrupt change in activity is too much, so she argues.

In addition to starting by saying, OK, here’s the plan, the other key is having a follow up step. If what I want her to do is eat lunch, she has to have a step after that to, if you will, conclude the plan. I’m careful not to make it a reward or treat. No if you go potty, you can have a cookie kind of thing. Whatever that final step is, it’s usually just something we would do anyway.

Since starting this, the number of arguments has cut way down. Oh, sure, she still argues with me on being allowed to watch more TV or play more computer games or  have another bowl of popcorn or … or … you get the picture.

We’re working on that, too, but I’m not complaining.