As I’ve shared a few times, Charlotte is doing fabulously at school. Fabulous.
Things, however, are not quite as fabulous on the home-front.
If I get to dwelling on this too long, I will start to berate myself. It’s all my fault that she doesn’t listen. I haven’t enforced consequences enough, I’m not stern enough, I’m a horrible failure, blah blah blech!
Self-flagellation sucks. I hate it. So I don’t dwell for too long on how we got to this place. Instead I remind myself that her development was atypical and we did what we thought was best at the time.
When Charlotte was age 2, and most of age 3, she had almost no true reciprocal communication. Most of her negative behaviors (and there weren’t many) were linked to sensory processing challenges, meaning we don’t believe she could help herself. So we couldn’t bring ourselves to punish her. Instead we focused on creating an environment in which she felt safe. That helped tremendously.
The year she was 4 there was such a tremendous explosion in her communication skills, we were dumbstruck. Sass? A little bit of attitude? No, it wasn’t right, but Oh My Goodness she was communicating spontaneously with us. We were so afraid it might go away, a lot of things were let slide.
And so here we are at age 5 with a girl who communicates mostly perfectly fine. She is handling herself very well in the classroom at school, during swim lessons, during her first-ever dance class this past Monday (where her diagnosis was not disclosed and there was no parent present – yep, we just sent her off into the wilds).
The good news at home is that she is not battling us on much of what used to be cause for meltdowns (e.g. brushing teeth, getting dressed).
However, we have another set of meltdown-inducing, um, challenges.
Example 1
Charlotte accidentally bumps a game off the buffet which lands on the cat’s water bowl and sloshes water all over the floor. I ask her to grab a towel and clean up the water. She runs away.
Example 2
Charlotte is playing with stickers. She dumps out the whole bag of stickers on the floor. I mention several times that she will need to pick all those stickers up when she is done. She finishes playing and runs away, ignoring my demand that she come back and clean up the stickers.
Example 3
Charlotte decides she wants to color. It’s 5 minutes before dinner, or before we need to leave the house. She pushes a chair to the counter and reaches high into the cupboard to get the markers and crayons. I repeatedly tell her that she cannot color right now but that we will do it later. Finally I have to physically block her from getting the markers. She throws herself down on the ground screaming and kicking.
(Those 3 examples all happened today.)
A couple of things are kinda sorta working to bring her back to do the cleaning up. The magical 1-2-3 count coupled with the threat of losing her beloved Belle has brought her back. Threat of consequence however is the only way to get her to do something she doesn’t want to go. Positive reinforcement when she does clean up is doled out, but it hasn’t cleared the way to doing it when asked the first time. Or just doing it period.
To get her to stop having a meltdown over not being allowed to do whatever she wants to do right the minute she wants to do it – I have to use threat of consequence. Which is, again, losing Belle.
I hate threatening consequences. Is there another way? A way that is more positive? I’ve tried setting rules because she likes them, but it doesn’t matter. Plus I can’t anticipate every single scenario. I know that it’s typical of kids at age 5 to not listen to their parents, but I believe this goes beyond what is typical. Especially in her reaction.
Or do all 5 year olds throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming when told they can’t color? Every time?
What is the best way to get through to her? Do I write a social story about listening to Mommy? About respect?
My ultimate hope here is that she will a) learn to clean up her toys after playing with them; b) learn to accept No as the answer when she simply cannot do what she wants to do the minute she wants to do it.
If you’re on the other side of this, I would love some advice. Or just some good “hang in there, Mom” kinda stuff works too.
33 comments
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October 6, 2009 at 11:24 pm
TC
Often, there’s no positive reinforcer that’s as big a lure as the thing I don’t want N doing. So we do negative consequences here, a lot, too. Even that took a long time to find the RIGHT negative consequences…ones I could follow through with, and that were strong enough to override the desire to do whatever was being forbidden at the moment.
There ARE times when a positive reinforcer works wonders. I canNOT tell you how thrilled I am to have stumbled upon N’s love of card games, and how using those as a carrot has gotten him over a several-years’-long bout with constipation that even medication couldn’t touch. But it took a lot of trial and error to come up with the RIGHT reinforcer. Plus, it rarely seems to work as well or as consistently on MISbehavior as it does on these sorts of not-deliberate negative behaviors.
Wish I had something more ‘positive’ to report. Sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing, by not giving in and letting her just get away scot free.
October 7, 2009 at 8:11 am
goodfountain
I suppose finding the RIGHT positive reinforcer hasn’t happened yet. Thanks for the comments -at least I know I’m not the only one that has struggled with this.
October 6, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Jenn
Just a thought here…. is Charlotte fully understanding a “clean up” directive or does she need things broken down further… “put the legos in the bucket”. I know we had to work on that with Nick and still sometimes need to clarify.
We usually have to use threat of consequence here. “No X until you finish cleaning up Y.” Use the threat of time-out cautiously. That one has backfired on me. Nick has opted for the time-out and he ends up lounging in bed while I end up cleaning up the mess as smoke pours from my ears.
As for taking no for an answer, *sigh* boy would I like to hear what the others have to say about it. Nick completley falls apart when his friends say “No, not right now” or “No, not today,” etc. to his requests. I’ve tried to help him generalize those feelings as in, “You know how you sometimes need a break from playing with your little sister, well….” He just doesn’t get it.
Sending hugs. Hang in there!
October 7, 2009 at 8:10 am
goodfountain
Thank you for commenting. Yes, I do think Charlotte understands. for example with the stickers my ‘clean up’ instructions are ‘pick up all these stickers and put them back in the bag.’ Also I know she understands because when I threaten a consequence she hops to like nobody’s business.
LOL about accepting timeout. Charlotte one time let me throw something of hers away rather than clean it up.
October 7, 2009 at 7:34 am
ALBJ2YO
Just a few days ago, I remember exclaiming that DS only has Autism at home because everyone else reports that he’s doing JUST FINE with them. Haha. I know this is untrue, but It just feels awful when I can’t get him to do or stop doing ANYTHING w/o a threat….. yet he attends like a champ at school.
Truth is, home is safe. Try not to beat yourself up too much.
We’re not on the other side…. we’re on the before side… so no help there.
October 7, 2009 at 7:45 am
Jesswilson
Kendall is in a group based on michelle Garcia winner’s social thinking – they talk a lot about expected vs unexpected behaviors. It provides a great framework for when things go awry and Kendall responds really we to the language.
But I think jenn asks a great question. Do you know that Charlotte knows what you expect of her? Perhaps your entreaties to clean up are overwhelming because she’s not sure exactly what to do. Picture schedules can help a lot. We used to have them at nearly all the ‘play stations’ with step by step suggestions for play. You could use that to clean up too. Take photos of what the toys look like when they are sufficiently ‘put away’
Kenz also loves songs – we use them for EVERYTHING. I’m sure you know that desperately annoying ‘clean up’ song. Might be worth a try – even makes it kind of fun.
Hope that helps a little. Hang in there!!
October 7, 2009 at 8:14 am
goodfountain
Ha -when I sing the clean up song Charlotte will yell at me to STOP SINGING!!
Maybe I’ll put some more kind of cleaning directions up near the various play areas. That’s a great idea!
October 7, 2009 at 7:46 am
Jesswilson
Sorry bout the typos and screwy caps – my phone is not comment friendly
October 7, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Jesswilson
So tell her you’ll stop singing as soon as she cleans up!! Lol
October 7, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Tonggu Momma
I found that the Tongginator met all the criteria of an oppositionally defiant child for awhile. I created an If-Then Chart and was VERY consistent with it for about six months. Now? We don’t need the chart even though it hangs there. Positive reinforcement just didn’t work back then. And the Tongginator fed off of the emotional whirlpool that was created during the “incident,” whatever the incident was.
The chart took away the drama of it all. I did not engage her until I felt the opportunity to do it/ stop doing it was over. Then I would take her to the chart and point to what she did or did not do… she would point to the consequence. End of discussion. Threatening consequences weren’t involved in the mix because the consequence was exactly the same each and every time. And it was written down. It became a much more matter-of-fact scenario.
Anyways, that is what worked for us. 1-2-3 Magic? She totally laughed at us.
October 7, 2009 at 2:08 pm
goodfountain
Hmm, TM, there might be something to this idea. I’ve noticed that every time I tell Charlotte not to do something, she will immediately say, “If I do [whatever], then …”‘ and then she looks at me waiting for me to fill in the blank. Today she was putting her foot on a shelf in the hallway and before I said anything she said, “If I climb on this shelf, then….” and waited. So I said, “go on.” She finished up with, “I might fall and get really, really hurt.”
This makes me think the If/Then thing is something she responds to since she’s saying it all the time herself. I think I remember you posting your chart on your blog a long time ago.
Goodfountain is thinking….
October 7, 2009 at 12:25 pm
asdmommy
Oh my gosh, once again I am struck by the similarities between your C and my C. We are struggling with many of the same things. I think C is/was behind where Charlotte is/was at the same age. But we are still struggling with this kind of stuff at age 8.
I keep going back to the theory of ABA and trying to find the right motivator for not doing these negative behaviors. At the moment, it’s Wii time. I catch C doing something good and he gets a coin, which he can later trade in for 10 minutes of Wii time (the next day, or on the weekend). When he throws a fit I’ll gently say something about how I’m hoping next time he won’t do that because boy, I’d sure like to give him a coin for being okay with not being able to do what he wanted to do right then. It’s working somewhat, not all the time, but a lot of the time.
That being said, I think there will always be some behavior challenges with Charlotte that you won’t see with Sarah. I keep reminding myself that despite C’s often very typical behavior, his responses aren’t always going to be typical. I don’t think you created this behavior by being too lenient; I think this behavior would’ve come regardless because of her diagnosis.
And I think we are always going to have to modify, change, throw it out and start over as our kids grow and change themselves. I feel like we do something that works for a few months, and then we have to change it up because it no longer works.
Just my 2 cents. Oh, and hang in there.
October 7, 2009 at 2:12 pm
goodfountain
asdmommy, I think you are right about several things here. The modifying and changing is probably going to be constant. It seems to take longer for some things to sink in with Charlotte. And that there are going to be some challenges with her that I don’t see with Sarah. A great example of that is general safety awareness. Sarah is so aware that she could get hurt in a parking or on the street by moving cars. Charlotte = clueless. It’s such a huge worry for me.
October 7, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Erin
It’s true, home is a safe place for her to act out and test what happens. Maybe she feels like she follows the rules all day at school and she doesn’t feel like following more rules at home. Anna said something to that effect the other day.
We had a lot of problems with tantrums when Anna didn’t get what she wanted, too…now that she’s a year older it seems to be that she is having meltdowns over feeling emotional and not knowing how to deal with the strong emotions. When it’s bad I’ll sit her in time out and she doesn’t get out until she stops screaming. I cannot show any emotion and if I don’t it works great. I’ll go in and talk to her about what happened, why it happened and how she felt, what would be a better choice, etc., and sometimes I’ll tell her it hurts my feelings when she treats me rudely. And that surprisingly seems to work best of all. To help her understand that her actions/reactions hurt someone else’s feelings. So it’s not just Anna who is having emotions that lead to meltdowns, Mommy has emotions too. I don’t know if that will work for you. But at 6 years old, this is working for us.
October 8, 2009 at 3:40 pm
goodfountain
thanks, Erin, for the ideas. I’m hopeful that when Charlotte is six, like Anna, things will have moved to where we can talk about intense feelings. Right now, not happening.
October 7, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Marita
We have a great deal of trouble with cleaning up and saying ‘No’ also.
Things that work for my girls
1. logical consequences.
example “if you don’t pack away your lego when mummy vaccums the floor it will get sucked up in the vaccum cleaner”
“if you don’t put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket then they don’t get washed”
Because ASD kids are so logical this often works better than a negative consequence that is not logical like confiscating a favoured but unrelated toy.
2. step by step instructions
when we first started packing up toys with Heidi I would stand/kneel behind her (basically my body was mimicing the position of her body). I would place my hand over hers and guide her to reach for the toy, pick it up and put it in the box.
We’ve been able to slowly wind back the physical prompts and now it is verbal, ‘pick up the dolls and put them in the doll box’
We have PECS/Boardmaker images all over our house. Each room also has a laminated picture cleaning schedule from here – http://www.setbc.org/pictureset/SubCategory.aspx?id=58
Sure our house doesn’t look like a typical home with all these laminated images up but I was surprised at the number of mothers of typical kids that asked for a copy of various visuals we use…. especially the toilet ones.
3. Our paediatrician recently told me everything we say is a social story. Back when Heidi wasn’t talking and language was still really difficult everything we said modeled spoken communication. Now it is all social stories.
Example – If Annie is washing toys in her bedroom I shouldn’t get angry and yell (oh yes I did, I’m ashamed to admit), what I should do is be calm, use my social story voice and talk about how we only use water in areas with tiles because they are ‘wet areas’. Rooms without tiles are ‘dry areas’ and we keep things in those rooms that we don’t want to get wet – like our books. If we use water in our bedroom which is a ‘dry area’ our books get wet and ruined and that would be sad. Next time Annie could try washing her toys in the bathroom which has tiles and is a ‘wet area’ and then nothing gets ruined and her toys are clean and everyone is happy.
Easier said than done of course because if you are human then maintain calm 24/7 is impossible.
Note again – logical consequences in the social story.
4. Saying ‘No’ inspires meltdowns of epic proportions, particularly if the girls can’t follow my logic for the ‘no’. Instead I use ‘Later’ and give a better time and ask them to help me remember because sometimes mummy gets busy and forgets. Or I pull out a PECS card we have which is a yellow circle with ‘WAIT’ written inside it.
Distract / Divert / Delegate / Delay
5. You are doing a good job. So is Charlotte, 5 year olds need to test boundaries and push mum and dad because they are starting to get increasingly independent. What she is doing is to a certain extent typical.
October 7, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Marita
I should note with point 1 – logical consequences – I always follow through. If they leave toys out then those toys get sucked up in the vacuum cleaner, while the children are watching (I might rescue expensive toys later when they are not watching, but I then hide said toy for several weeks so kids get the message). Clothing that is not put in laundry baskets does not get washed (this is true for my husband also), they either then have to wear it dirty and smelly which my girls hate (sadly husband not so much) or put it in the laundry basket and wait and extra day for that item of clothing to be clean.
October 8, 2009 at 3:42 pm
goodfountain
Marita, such great things to think about! I like the idea of logical/natural consequences, I just wonder if 1 consistent consequence might be more effective for her.
… pondering, pondering…
October 7, 2009 at 6:24 pm
kristen
I find this conversation very helpful. For us, it’s evolved. It’s always been some form of not being able to handle delayed gratification. He wants what he wants when he wants it. End of story. The intensity of it comes and goes, as does our ability to manage the behavioral consequences, but I think the root of it is about control. My husband recently pointed out that G is trying so hard to control his world, to keep it manageable and familiar and safe that he can’t help but push back on things he sees as a threat. He balks at anything that seems too difficult or too challenging. When he was younger, putting toys away was an impossible task. He was overwhelmed. Today, it’s about not being able to have computer time whenever he wants or tv time or getting ready for school–the list is endless.
I think one of the commenters said it’s about constantly testing the limits. Touching the boundaries to see if they shift. As hard as it is, we have to be so consistent, and yet flexible enough to change gears on a whim. They keep us hopping, don’t they?
By the way, what works for us is very often the threat of a consequence or the carrot of a reward–I never know which way he’s going to go or which will be most effective. Sometimes, logic works really well. Just telling him why, not making things sound so arbitrary. He likes to understand the reason for something. As in, we clean up our room so that daddy doesn’t step on a hot wheel and hurt himself, as opposed to clean up your room because I said so.
Good luck!!
October 7, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Tanya @ TeenAutism
Unfortunately I don’t have time to read through all the comments – wish I could – so if someone else already suggested this, I apologize. We tend to have fewer meltdowns if the favorite activity (coloring for Charlotte; for Nigel, it’s always been watching videos/DVDs) is scheduled at certain times on a visual schedule. That way, they know when they CAN do their favorite activity and can be shown the schedule to prove that “now is not the time to do ___.” Of course, many meltdowns were due to other reasons, but I have found that having a daily schedule, even into teenhood, has really helped us.
October 8, 2009 at 3:43 pm
goodfountain
Tanya, I do think I need a visual schedule. It will help with things like ‘preferred activities’ and would also help get her back on track with practicing piano too. Maybe??
Thanks for the idea!
October 7, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Because I Said So! « Stuff With Thing
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October 8, 2009 at 2:47 am
Gavin Bollard
You’re doing fine. Don’t sweat the small stuff because it happens to all of us. You need to pick your battles because the small battles aren’t worth the effort on your part.
My kids almost never pick up anything…
Well, up until recently… when they started to get old enough to understand the positives.
Now, instead of yelling, threatening or berating, I simply tell my kids sweetly.. the sweeter the voice, the better … “Ok, you don’t HAVE to pick it up then”.
This will nearly always send my son into frenzy and he’ll clean up as fast as he can. Sometimes, if it’s his brother’s problem, he’ll ask me if he’s allowed to clean up the mess. Sometimes I let him, often I tell him that his brother must clean it.
Regardless… When this happens, I constantly remind the child that his doing a favour means that he’s in the good books. I do that until I find some way to reward him. (You have to do this otherwise delayed favours don’t work).
It might be as simple as letting him ride in the front seat of the car, giving him a surprise (food/toy), letting him pick which movie to watch or just spending some extra time with him – letting him stay up later, playing playstation with him, anything like that.
It’s taken a while but my boys are beginning to learn that good behaviour gets rewarded. It’s a better message than “bad behaviour gets punished”.
It’s also a very complex message and if you child has speech delay problems, you have to accept that it takes longer for them to get it.
October 8, 2009 at 3:45 pm
goodfountain
Gavin, thanks for stopping by! (I always read your blog, by the way.)
Your ideas are much appreciated -esp about the positives and rewards.
October 8, 2009 at 8:28 am
Kristin
We have the same issues here. I KNOW I let things slide when Alec was younger b/c any progress was pure joy. One thing Alec’s therapists have pointed out to me is that he is very much seeking approval and loves to be complimented. They have also told me many kids with ASD do not thrive on compliments, etc so I don’t know if Charlotte cares, for example, if you tell her how great she did. I make an overly exaggerated point of telling Alec what a GREAT job he did and it really makes an impression on him. He really is approval-seeking.
I did start a reward program with both Alec and my daughter. They get a “certificate” when they do a good job with something. When they get a certain # of certificates, they can trade them in for a toy, movie, video game, whatever. When I ask him to do something, I usually need to be very specific and kind of stay there while he does it. I need to verbally encourage him while he is doing it (Wow, you’re doing a GREAT job! Keep going!) and then if it was a bigger cleanup, I will give him a certificate. When I ask him, I physically touch his shoulder, make eye contact and calmly tell him what he needs to do and then stay while he does it. It is time cosuming and a pain but it is the only way it gets done.
(Also, to be honest, I make myself sick with my “you’re doing a GREAT job!!!” while he is cleaning up a mess HE made, but hey, it is what works for him and I figure eventually he won’t need that anymore.)
It is hard to know what to do.
Hang in there!
October 8, 2009 at 9:31 am
therocchronicles
We are dealing with very similar things over here and some days I feel that all I do is bribe! I try really hard to reward the good behavior but I do a lot of bribing and threatening. He is really pushing back against me lately – if I tell him not to do something, he does it, etc. Maddening.
He knows certain rules and he will break them with a smile and the devil in his eye just to see what I will do. One thing I’ve found is that I cannot back down. Just the other day when we were at the playground he went over to a sand pit and said “I’m not supposed to pick up the sand” and I said “you’re right” What did he do next? Pick up the sand! We left immediately and it wasn’t pretty. Lots of screaming and tears. He was saying “I won’t do it again. I’ll be good now!” but that was the end of the playground-and we’d just gotten there! argh! It was ugly and lots of heads swiveled in our direction but two days later when we went back I reminded him how he had to leave and didn’t get to play because he made a bad choice. He didn’t go near that sand pit.
I’ve also used a daily picture schedule to help him see that he gets to do things after he gets home from school. Only now he tries to rearrange the schedule and gets very mad when I take it away.
I don’t know if any of this comment is actually useful to you-sorry!
At least I can say you’re not alone in this! We’re fighting similar battles over here!
October 8, 2009 at 10:52 am
pixiemama
OK, so our issues are slightly different. Foster will just go ahead and do what he wants to do when he wants to do it, regardless of what we say.
But, BUT – I have finally found a way to use the other kids to motivate him. Reilly loads the dishwasher now, with much enthusiasm. Since Reilly had a job, Sophie wanted one too. She “washes” the table (heck, I could put quotes around all of these. When i say they are doing jobs, I don’t mean that I don’t have to wash the table myself later). Finn “sweeps” the floor – which means he walks around wielding a broom, while I hope no one gets hurt/nothing gets broken. So what job would Foster WANT to do? Take out the recycling. By himself. Foster’s never been a runner, for sure – that would just take more energy than he has. But he is a wanderer, and, thus, he is NEVER allowed outside without a grown-up, because something in the road might catch his attention, and the next thing we know, he is GONE and we are calling 911. But after a lot of work, we’ve trained him to take out the recycling by himself. He just loves walking out that door alone. (I give him 90 seconds before I go check on him).
When he is engaging in “unexpected” behavior, we now have a threat – Does this choice mean he wants Finn to do the recycling tonight?
So, I just rambled away 10 minutes of your time to say a good motivator goes a LONG way.
And – I always let my children know that their behaviors are their choices, so I am not doling out consequences. They choose the consequences when they choose the behaviors. I don’t make him cut up his brother’s homework with his “special zizzors.” That was HIS choice.
October 9, 2009 at 3:37 pm
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October 9, 2009 at 3:46 pm
rhemashope
Didn’t read through all the comments, and these suggestions have probably already been given… or may be a little too “basic” for Charlotte: “First x, then y”, a picture schedule similar to one she may use at school. And here’s my “Hang in there, Mom!”
October 10, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Brenda
I am late to the party! So many helpful suggestions. But I’m compelled to add my two cents (as usual). Here’s what happens for Jack: he is too overwhelmed by the current situation. For instance, a bowl falling down would send him into sensory and emotional tailspin. Even a mess of stickers on the floor is visually too much. But if at that moment he has a heap of straws: i.e., he’s tired, he’s hungry, he feels overwhelmed, he’s emotionally fragile, he can’t communicate at the moment, anything else you can think of, my words to him to clean up, etc, are just “Blah, blah, blah.” And on top of it, if I even thought of adding emotion, tone, reinforcers, etc, he would be in total breakdown. I always lean toward the “overloaded” side with our kids instead of the “deliberately misbehaving” side. At that moment if a kid is overloaded, at what price are we going to reinforce “good behavior?” At a price that is too costly for them.
Which is why I think handling it with humor, lightness, song, playfulness, a game is always better. They’ll get the message that the cleanup still needs to be done. But it will be in a way they can better handle it under the circumstances. Playfulness always wins the day with my son. Whereas demanding his compliance results in a lose/lose for both of us.
Does that make any sense at all for your situation? Oh and I have to agree: that you’re even having this problem is a cause for celebration! You go, Charlotte! (er, sorry, Mom). You test, you push, you pull. Yay! Now let the negotiations begin! Aren’t we just going to fall on the stickers and get them stuck in our hair? How about if we put the stickers in the bathtub, will that work? Amusing solutions abound.
Big hugs,
Brenda
October 12, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Patty
I don’t know if I have any suggestions to help, but this is an extremely interesting post for me. My Charlotte is actually going through the same sort of thing, and she is NT, so I hope this is a normal stage and not just some kind of monster I have created….
She went through a stage where she said no to every request. Interestingly, what has helped her is one of two things. First off, we realized that if we took her hand and said, “C’mon, we’ll clean up together” that helped. Sometimes. Also, she has responded somewhat to me explaining things to her. For example, I have been trying to train her to put her shoes away when she comes home, and she resisted for so long (which shocked me because Danny never did). Now, I tell her that we do it so we won’t lose the shoes. Sometimes that works.
Still, for a while I felt like all I was doing was issuing threats. And as others have said, some of the threats didn’t even work. It has been pretty frustrating, but I feel like it is beginning to get better, with some consistency on my part.
I don’t even know for sure what has helped the most, so these suggestions may not help you, but I wanted you to know that a mom out there was struggling with this with a neuro-typical child. Thought it might make you feel better….
October 19, 2009 at 10:16 am
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October 20, 2009 at 10:08 pm
ghc
I completely empathize. And it sucks.
Although it’s been said many times before, it is worth repeating. When our kids are good at school and terrible at home, it’s letting us know sometimes that they’ve held it together where they had to, and now they are where they feel safe and loved, and so they let it all hang out.
wish we could trade babysitting for a bit and both get breaks.