Different

This school year has had a terrific start. The worst of the summer behaviors have mostly subsided. Our days are more often peaceful than not, more smooth than rocky.

We have consecutive days in a row with relative calm. Relative, of course, because there are three kids in this house and invariably something goes haywire at least 1 or 4 times a day. There are minor skirmishes, for sure. But the behaviors, from my dearest Charlotte, that would essentially stop everything else in its place and take full parental team effort to reign in, those behaviors are the ones improving.

One of the blessings of so much peace and calm is that the bad times are relegated to isolated incidents and much easier for me to pick apart and try to figure out what’s wrong.

There were two such incidents last week. After the second one, in my frustration, I said to Charlotte: “You know, Charlotte, I can’t do anything nice for you because when anything at all is different, you can’t handle it.”

At that moment, I could hear the proverbial ding ding ding and could see the flashing neon sign  blinking, “That’s it! That’s it!”

And friends, that is it.

Even if it’s the most wonderful thing in the world and something that Charlotte loves, such as a trip to the ice cream shop or a bath instead of a shower, if it’s out of our normal turn of events – she can’t handle it. It invariably leads to a meltdown or disruptive behavior from her. Sometimes immediate, sometimes slightly delayed. But always happens.

Behavior is communication, right, and what she’s communicating is that when things are different from the usual, even if she wants to do it and welcomes the different, it’s hard. It’s not easy to step outside of the normal routine.

This feels like, possibly, a real breakthrough in my understanding of my daughter. It seems so obvious, doesn’t it? People on the spectrum generally like things to be consistent. Charlotte herself thrives at school where, for the most part, the flows of the days and weeks are consistent.

A breakthrough, maybe, but I am somewhat perplexed. How do I support her through the different? Not just the planned and positive different, but the unplanned? I think the 3 times she has decided not to walk to school have been because of some minor difference to the morning routine of when/where she meets the other kids.

Despite my lack of surety in just how to support her, I am encouraged. I am encouraged because of the potential of this new understanding. The potential to teach her strategies and help her gain self-awareness. It won’t be easy. It won’t happen overnight. But I am hopeful nonetheless.

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