Charlotte seems to be doing very well socially at school. Despite my fears that she won’t fit in or that she’ll somehow feel lonely or isolated, that isn’t happening. Even though none of her old friends are in her class this year, she meets up with them on the playground and at lunch. Plus she’s made new friends this year. I can think of quite a few kids who I believe genuinely like her.
But that’s not to say that everything is as perfect as I wish it could be. And there arises a struggle between holding back and seeing where things go, or jumping in to intervene on my daughter’s behalf.
When it rains, I drive Charlotte and a few of the other walkers to school. There is one boy who you could say has a mean streak. Or you could characterize him as mischievous, possibly a trouble-maker. I wouldn’t go so far as to call him a bully, but he certainly doesn’t display too many traits that I admire.
The questionable behaviors I have seen include mimicking Charlotte (repeating what she says then giggling), kicking her seat, and pretending he doesn’t hear her. He gets the other boys gigging, too. Their giggles are less enthusiastic though. And when he’s *not* been in the car, nothing like this happens.
I have seen this only the few times I have driven him to school. The first time it happened, I was devastated.
WHAT?! He is mocking my girl! Repeating whatever she says and laughing! And doing it RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!! I could not believe it. In the 3-minute drive to school and 3-minute wait in the car line I vacillated between rage at this obnoxious, evil boy to deep down depression that he was mocking her so openly.
Charlotte, meanwhile, is totally oblivious to this. Not a clue. Her obliviousness may serve her well in matters like that. It’s no fun to tease someone who doesn’t get upset by it.
Quite a range of emotions I experienced though. Part of what fueled those internal reactions is because Charlotte says some wacky stuff. Me driving them when it rains is not the norm, and when she’s out of sorts like that she tends to get very talkative (which is helluva lot better than her screaming so I’ll take it).
She uses funny voices and says things that are, frankly, out there in left field. She repeats herself. She states the obvious (“that’s the garbage dumpster.”). So I’m hearing the “weird” stuff she’s saying, then seeing them giggle, and immediately I’m a mess.
During the 3-minute drive home, I collected myself and began that internal dialogue of whether I should be upset about this, and just how upset. Maybe it’s not that big of a deal. Maybe it is a “boys will be boys” kind of thing. Once home, I immediately go to my neighbor. She babysits this boy and I wanted to get her take on it.
I tell her what I saw and ask her what she thinks. She says this is what those boys do and it drives her crazy. They repeat what the girls say and they laugh. They tease. She says they can be very obnoxious. She assured me they do this to everyone and that Charlotte is not being singled out.
I feel better.
Yet I don’t. I hate this. I think to myself, “Why does one kid have to be so obnoxious and drag others along with him?”
However, as much as I hate it, as much as I can’t stand even the faintest hint that someone might be teasing my girl, I have to hold back. Teasing is part of childhood. Boys tease girls. As a mom, I can’t protect her from everything. And I can’t allow autism to make me jump in and over-protect where it’s likely not necessary.
A small part of me contemplated telling Charlotte not to talk so much in the car because … well, because why? Because it might annoy this kid and he’d laugh at her? I couldn’t bring myself to tell her because I didn’t know how to end the sentence in a way that wouldn’t make my daughter feel bad about herself.
And so what if one boy or maybe two think she’s odd? In life, not everybody is going to her (and she’s not going to like everybody). I think I would be doing her an injustice to make her feel like she can’t be herself on random car rides to school just so no one (i.e. those couple of boys) don’t think she’s weird.
That’s not to say I won’t be watching this kid. I’ve got my eye on him. If he ever takes it too far, I won’t let it slide. I can only hold the mama bear back for so much. Cross the line and she will be unleashed.
*****
Related note: I may not need to worry too much about protecting my little Charlotte. One day recently it was very cold in the morning and she insisted on putting on her winter coat, no matter the high was going to be in the 50s later. She pulled her hood up and wore mittens too. When she joined the walkers, a boy (not the obnoxious one) said something to her about the coat (they were all in jackets, some in shorts even). I’m not sure what he said, but I clearly heard Charlotte’s response: “Yeah, I know, but it’s freezing.” And with that they all kept on going. I’ll say it again: It’s no fun to tease someone who doesn’t get upset.
AutismWonderland (@LaliQuin)
November 2, 2011 at 6:56 pm
My son is 5 and just entering the public school system but bullies and teasing have been on my mind. Right now, he doesn’t know the difference. He doesn’t know that he’s different. In a strange way, it’s a blessing. It makes things a little bit easier. But we know the difference and it’s a balancing act for us.
I especially loved this –
“I can’t protect her from everything. And I can’t allow autism to make me jump in and over-protect where it’s likely not necessary.”
Niksmom
November 3, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Is it remotely possible that this boy also has a slight crush on her and is, in his own inept way, trying to get her attention? I had a boy tease me mericilessly in school and it wasn’t until many years later he confessed he’d had a crush. Just offering another possible perspective. *shrug* Either way, ti sounds like your sweet Charlotte can hold her own.
Kelly
November 3, 2011 at 1:19 pm
It’s hard holding back when you want to swoop in “fix” it all. I waffle between thinking “boys will be boys” and “I don’t care if boys will be boys, that’s not okay with me”. We have an issue like this at church right now with two 8-9yr old boys and our 12yr old son. We’ve also weathered several situations at football with our second son. Last year, he was truly bullied at football (at one point even by the coach), this year it’s more of the boys will be boys and the culture of football, I still don’t like it. Last night, R was playing Safety, a position he’s never played before and wasn’t too sure about. Another kid was giving him some instruction and when R didn’t respond the kid banged around on him and grabbed his facemask pulling him to his knees. I wanted to run over deck the kid and scoop up my baby. Instead I restrained myself and asked about it afterwards. R shrugged and said, “he was just trying to get me fired up”. Not sure it worked for R, but it sure fired up his mama.
I think this is so important to remember:
“I can’t protect her from everything. And I can’t allow autism to make me jump in and over-protect where it’s likely not necessary.”
Alison
November 4, 2011 at 11:13 am
I don’t buy the whole “boys will be boys” reasoning. I have three boys and if I caught wind of one of them laughing at the the things that someone else was saying (when what was said was not meant to be funny), I would not tolerate it. Especially if they were treating a girl that way. When kids can get away with small things like that, they think they can start to get away with bigger things. And then things escalate and bullying situations get out of hand. It’s truly wonderful that Charlotte doesn’t get bothered by these things, but if you have the opportunity to talk to these boys’ parents, do it. You are not doing it because you are being overprotective because of Charlotte’s autism, but rather because these boys should not go on thinking that their behavior is acceptable.
Mama Be Good (@mamabegood)
December 5, 2011 at 1:16 pm
This breaks my heart. I’m with Alison – I’d have to talk to the parents – because it’s not okay, it’s not part of life. I think there’s a difference between rescuing your child from every problem (which doesn’t encourage resilience) and intervening in bullying behavior. Children don’t get stronger from being bullied.