Charlotte is struggling in her friendship with her new 2nd grade best friend. It’s been a challenge to decipher just what is bothering her, and the situation highlights how difficult it can be for Charlotte to express herself. Not just express herself but also identify what’s bothering her.
What I *think* is bothering her is her friend is getting on her nerves. She’s bossy (Charlotte says, “N is my boss.”). And I think N is impatient with Charlotte who tends to move at a slower pace than average. N tells her, “You’re too slow!” Charlotte, however, does not believe that’s true. She says: “I’m not slow! I’m SUPER FAST!!” (And it’s so stinking adorable when she says it.)
Charlotte’s plans for today are to hide from N. She says she going to find two other friends, K and E, and eat lunch with them. “Why hide?” I ask. “Because N will get me!” she replies. When she talks with me about N (which she does every day now) she gets very upset. This clearly is a big deal to Charlotte.
It’s tricky this business of friends. I understand if she’s wanting to move on from being friends with N. Perhaps they aren’t a good fit. She’s under no obligation to be friends with her. But it’s important, and I have been trying to emphasize this, that she try not to hurt N’s feelings. Continue to look for other friends to eat lunch with and play with at recess, is my advice. And don’t let N take you away from your other friends.
I have told Charlotte, and I’ll tell her again, that she’s her own person and she has to be strong about what she wants to do and who she wants to play with. I also told her to let N know when she’s being bossy. But that it must be done in kindness.
And now I must sit back and revel in what appears to be a completely normal turn of events in 2nd grade. I have long worried that Charlotte might end up the quiet friend who is pushed around a bit. The one who is the follower. And yet here we are, at 7 1/2, and although she’s struggling to identify and articulate her feelings – she is trying. She knows she’s not happy with the way the friendship has progressed. Now we have to work through it.
Honestly, considering everything, not a bad place to be.
Kris
February 29, 2012 at 11:05 pm
It sounds like she is doing great! Friendship is hard for all girls, I think. My daughter is in 1st grade and there is already a lot of drama. Alex is pretty unconcerned with friends. He likes the kids in his class, seems to get along with most of them, but doesn’t get real attached to anyone. He has always been a bit of a loner although the teacher said he plays with other kids at recess, free times, etc. I have had to tell him that playing with and getting along with the other kids is his job at recess like doing math problems is his job during math class. He would probably be content to play by himself. He does have a “best friend” who is a bit bossy. Funny though, I am fine with it because Alex always has trouble finding things to do and getting started when he does think of something. This is due to motor planning deficits according to the OT. His friend is great about thinking of things to do and Alex is fine with following his lead. The kid keeps him engaged and they get along well so I don’t mind the bossiness and Alex certainly doesn’t.
The social aspects of ASD are the most anxiety-provoking for me. I have two older (typical) boys in middle school and I see how cruel they can be at that age and how tricky the social landscape is.
Charlotte sounds like she is weathering the friendship thing pretty well!!