goodfountain

We are counting down to vacation!

In just 3 short days we will embark on an 11ish-hour journey to a quiet island off the South Carolina coast. It’s our First Big Family Vacation. Last year we went to Texas for a few days to visit my husband’s brother and family, but we stayed at their house (although with their pool and golf course, it was kind of like being at a resort…).

Chee is beyond excited about her first trip to the beach. She has cried a few times over the last couple of weeks because she wants to go to Sow Key-row-lina Right Now. Everything Chee knows about the beach she learned from Caillou. Therefore, she wants to fly a kite. That is her main interest in the beach. Caillou flew a kite on the beach, therefore Chee is going to fly a kite. Must remember to pack the kite.

I’m excited because I will have adults around me. The whole time. Not just the short people. My husband reminds me that this is HIS vacation, too, and not a dump-the-kids-on-Daddy break for Mommy. What?! So just having help makes it a vacation for me? Woe is me.

Grandma and Grandpa will be there, too. They are willing to let the kids be dumped on them babysit so we can go out. Got to love the Grandparents. Oh, how lovely do I sound? Excited about my vacation because I will get a couple of breaks from my kids. At least I’m keeping it real here in bloggy land.

I admit I’m super excited about playing on the beach with them. Chee has been practicing building sand castles in our sandbox at home. This is accomplished by dumping water in said sandbox, therefore making it a mud box. Now if we could just get Ess to stop eating the sand…

Ess is excited about vacation because everyone else is excited. Mostly she is talking about getting to see Aunt K and Cousin M. They will be joining us too. I tell Ess that we’ll be going to South Carolina on Saturday and she says, That’s a good ideeeeaaa, Mommy.

Yes it is.

I am not anticipating any major Sensory challenges for Chee. There’s a pool where we’re staying so we’ll probably swim in the afternoons after spending the morning at the beach. A daily pool swim should take care of all her sensory needs. She’ll have Cousin M to play with and, as I’ve shared before, they get along very well and make good playmates. M is a good role model for Chee in terms of language.

When I come back I hope to have much good stuff to share! Stay tuned.

Not every day week is a good day week.

Perhaps it’s the post best birthday ever letdown.

Truthfully, it’s only been a bad three days, but three days of whining and crying feels like forever a week. I am not an amused mother anymore.

Monday and Tuesday were fine. Monday I was gone for 3 hours in the early afternoon so that probably contributed to why the day was fine for me. Tuesday we had a pool party with her preschool class. Of course that day was great - swimming pool, friends, a stop for ice cream. What’s to be unhappy about?

Wednesday is when things started going south. Her last tumbling class ended with her crying and unable to explain why. Later she told me cried because her sticker ripped. Her sticker!!! A sticker bringing on that level of tears was an ominous foreboding.

I wish I could remember the horrid travesties of the rest of the day, but my mind has mercifully blocked them from memory.

Much of Thursday and today was comprised of a lot of not listening to me. So deliberate in her ignoring my requests to stop bad behavior (like ripping open a box of food). This morning she cried when we went outside to play in the back yard. She just wanted me to hug her and she requested to go back inside. Fortunately Ess wasn’t having a great time outside either so she complied. Unless there’s a swimming pool or a sprinkler involved, my girls are not outside girls. We like air conditioning.

The echolalia today was rampant. There is nothing more frustrating than thinking I’m having a legitimate conversation with Chee only to find out that she’s playing the role of Caillou or, in particular today, Caillou’s friend Leo. I will go along with it for awhile, but then I am all echoed out. It made playing any number of games impossible. That’s the other thing. Let’s play [insert game here]! she says to me, only to wander off while I’m getting it down or about 15 seconds into it.

Her obsession with Baby Einstein DVDs is in full force too. Chee was just wild about Baby Einstein in her “younger” days. Once I became aware of the pragmatic aspect of her language delay, I realized that there is nothing conversational about Baby Einstein and I phased them out. I view Baby Einstein in such a new way now. Nothing particularly educational about them beyond vocabulary building. Entertaining, yes. One day they went to live with another family. She was fine with that and never asked for them. Somehow, though, she found them when we moved last year and I’ve let her watch them on occasion again. And now she wants to watch them over and over again. And over. I think it’s time they went to live elsewhere again. Permanently. (For kicks some time I’ll devote an entire post to the many and varied loves of Baby Einstein this house has seen.)

In the midst of all this whining and crying, Chee had two important appointments yesterday. Her 4 year check up with her pediatrician, and her quarterly physical therapy session. The 4 year checkup was fabulous. Chee let herself be examined, she answered all of the doctor’s questions, she was highly agreeable. This appointment was a thousand times better than her three year checkup where the doctor noted that she was totally echolalic and refused physical examination. Not too bad for one year later. There were a couple of shots, which did not go well, but that’s to be expected. Upon reviewing her chart, her pediatrician declared her to look like a typical THREE year old. Um, she’s four, I reminded the doctor. Yes, she said, but she looks like a three year old. (90th percentile for height and weight not withstanding.)

Then on to Physical Therapy where, again, she did quite fabulous. I mentioned to her PT what the pediatrician said about looking like a three year old and she agreed that developmentally Chee reminds her more a three year old than a four year old. And, I’m recalling, her speech therapist says that Chee’s language is that of an early 3 year old than an early four year old.

Hmmm, the wheels start turning in my brain. Could it be that behaviorally she’s more like a 3 year old than a 4 year old too?

Maybe.

She was so very adamant today about buttering her own corn on the cob. My husband didn’t let her and she ran from the room and threw herself down in a heap of tears in the next room. I told her to come back and she could butter her own corn and she was happy. From what I’m reading, the “do it myself” phase generally happens at three. But for a kid who is about a year behind developmentally, maybe that phase is happening now at four. I could give other examples, but this post is already too long.

What this means for me, as the frustrated Mom who lost her own temper a couple of times these past few days, is start treating her like a 3 year old. Forget thinking of her as special needs or sensory sensitive (although those things are still important), but just think of her as a really tall 3 year old. It really makes sense. Last summer, when she turned 3, we had some pretty horrible times. My husband and I used to say we were finally hitting the terrible twos. Now at age 4, it feels like a lot of expected 3 year old behavior is hitting us.

With the rate at which she’s been developing, I’m suspecting hoping praying that we will move through some of this with lightening speed and she can start being the charming girl that all four year olds are.

Yeah right. I hear uproarious laughter from the parents of four year old girls everywhere.

Don’t be fooled by my glib tone into thinking that I am not somewhat obsessively worrying about her being a year behind and wondering when the delay will be less obvious. Remember, I’m a worrier.

Meanwhile, I’m dusting off the special handbook the gods gave me for parenting a three year old and I’m going to adjust my expectations. Wish me luck. Wish us luck.

Or so declared Chee Saturday afternoon as we put the final touches on the decorations and waited for her guests to arrive.

She turned four years old!

To celebrate, we had her first-ever “friend” birthday party. She’s been excited about this for over a month. A month!

As I’ve been noodling in my head just what to say about the party and about her turning four, my mind wanders as there’s so much to say.

I could report how perfectly comfortable and happy she was. I could share countless examples of how she fully engaged with her friends. There was the wild success of the Pinata and the stuff-your-own teddy bear. Our good fortune that Ess slept till after the Pinata bashing cannot be overlooked. My husband I declared the party a huge success. All our planning, re-planning and worrying paid off. The party kicked ass.

A memorable moment was Chee not crying during the singing of Happy Birthday and the subsequent clapping and cheering that seems to always follow. (Her family breathed a collective sigh of relief.) Another was when she took her favorite birthday present, a digital camera, and held it up to her Grandpa’s face and said, Here you go, you look through here, you say ’say cheese,’ and you press this blue button. Giving instructions! That was a first.

I could get all mushy and talk about how perfect she is and how much I love her, but I did lots of that to her face already and I don’t think it needs to be said anymore. We all know. It’s a given.

As she was getting ready for bed, I asked her what was her favorite part of the party. Was it the cake, or opening the presents or playing games, or something else?

She took a moment and said, My favorite part was seeing all my friends.

That, friends, was my favorite part of the whole day.

I’m rather enjoying this particular developmental spot that both my girls are in. Chee has recently had what one could call a conversation boom in her language. She’s very engaged with us, very communicative. But especially so with her sister. Ess is already quite the conversationalist. However, it’s a bit of an emerging skill with the both of them. Makes for some hilarious, if not repetitive, discussions.

Chee’s birthday is Sunday. She’s very excited. She invites nearly everyone she meets to her party, which is Saturday. She also asks them how old are you going to be on your next birthday? Most are caught off guard, but they usually answer. I know it’s not a polite question, but we’ll deal with that later. I’m just happy she’s talking to people!

Tonight we went to a party supply store to pick up a few more things for the main event. On the list was Party Hats. Chee is requesting that everybody wear hats at her party. We’ve invited six little friends over. Our first not-just-family party.

On the way there, our girls chatted.

Ess: I wan nuss, I wan nuss. (Code for I want to nurse.)
Chee: Nooooo, you can’t nurse, we’re going to Party City! Yay Party City!!

Ess: I wan go swimming!
Chee: Nooo, you can’t go swimming, we’re going to Party City! Yay Party City!!

Ess: I wan Mommy, I wan Mommy!!
Chee: No, you can’t ha… (pause) You can have Mommy, Chee (pause) I will go with Daddy!

While it’s not the most high level and robust of conversations, it was definitely back and forth. And back and forth. Chee is very good at answering most all of Ess’ questions. Which are many. What doing, Chee? Where Daddy, Chee? What doing, Chee? (What doing is the question of the week.)

I used to be afraid that Ess would surpass Chee in language development. Instead what I think she’s doing is speeding her along. She’s a good role model, believe it or not, even at 19 months. And while Ess, as the younger sibling, is constantly worried she’s going to miss out on some thing of grand importance, it is actually Chee who is doing as much, if not more, of the imitating between the two.

It seems we have been blessed with the perfect little sister for Chee.

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Epilogue to the short story

Our protagonist is using the potty at home, of her own volition, about half the time. Her Mommy has no idea why. Perhaps it is the Mommy’s strategy of just ignoring the pottying. A strategy born from a desire to withhold strong, strong feelings of rage that threatened to consume the Mommy’s entire being. Whatever the reason, the little girl seems to be tiring of peeing on the carpet because nobody seems to care anymore. And there’s a note on the fridge that says Mommy will buy more Popsicles when the little girl starts using the potty again. She reads that every day. And everyday Mommy says, Maybe today will be the day that we can buy those Popsicles.

So far, they’re still waiting.

But every day they seem to be a little closer.

Maybe tomorrow.

One of the diagnostic criteria for children with Autism Spectrum Disorder has to do with pretending, make-believe play. The exact wording is: lack of varied, spontaneous make-believe play or social imitative play appropriate to developmental level.

Chee has been delayed but not lacking entirely in this skill. Because she is my first child, and because I didn’t have much of a network of friends with same-age kids when she was younger, I didn’t realize she was lacking in this area. I can remember seeing on various Milestone Charts something about pretending. Does your child engage in pretend play, e.g., using a banana as a phone? When I read that the first time I remember thinking, yes, I’ve seen her do that; so, sure, she has pretend play.

Prior to age two, though, I can recall she had zero interest in baby dolls. She didn’t mother them, pretend to feed them or put them to bed. Nothing. When she was very young her favorite things were books, wooden blocks, Mega Blocks, listening to music, and banging on toys with buttons that made noise when pressed. So great was her love for pressing noise-making buttons over and over again, that by the time she was age 18 months I had permanently rotated out nearly every single lights-and-sounds toy she had. That Christmas I requested only battery-free toys for her. The silence was heavenly.

Shortly after she was two, she had her first speech evaluation. The speech therapist handed her a baby doll and a bottle and, I can’t remember exactly, but I’m pretty sure Chee just discarded them. (Of course, I told myself that Chee herself had rarely ever drank from a bottle so how could she possibly know what to do with one.) The therapist then took the doll and pretended to feed her from the bottle. She handed them back to Chee who also did the same thing, including imitating the “Mmmm, mmmm” sounds.

There were a couple more instances during the evaluation that the SLP demonstrated some sort of playing to Chee and Chee immediately imitated her, whereas minutes before she had seemed lost or uninterested.

That was one of those lightbulb moments for me.

You mean I’m supposed to TEACH my child how to PLAY?!?!

Well, yeah, kinda. If they aren’t doing it on their own that is. I can remember feeling just horrible. What kind of mother am I, I thought, that I didn’t show my daughter what to do with a baby doll? Oh, I beat myself up something fierce for this. I convinced myself that I had not been playing with Chee enough. Clearly it was all my fault. Everything under the sun was my fault, or so it felt at the time.

She had just had her 2nd birthday from which she had amassed a veritable village of Little People. Thus dawned a new era of playing with Chee. Teaching her how to pretend. We had a castle and a boat, there were horses and dogs and Little Persons of every race, gender and occupation.

Initially, most of the pretending was done by me or my husband. We kept things pretty simple. I can remember setting up obstacle courses for the People, running them in races, and having them sit down to dinner. At that point in time, Chee had no reciprocal communication, so it followed suit that the People had no conversation as well. But there was much Hooray-ing and pointing out objects of interest.

Most of her pretend play echoed what she had seen/heard one of us do in play. If I took the People on a bus ride around the zoo, I’d later hear her taking them on the same bus ride. Everything would be just as I had done it, including using my exact same words.

I can remember the day, it was just about a year ago exactly, that she repurposed the Little People castle into Target. All on her own (neither of her parents had ever made the castle anything but the castle), she took her People shopping to “Target” where they bought “stuff.”

The pretending continued. She expanded into her play kitchen, whipping up food for breakfast and lunch. She began to take care of one of her baby dolls, including putting it to bed with her at night, complete with tucking her in and giving her a kiss. Into the mix she added Princesses and Barbies and a few stuffed animals. She was on her way.

Chee’s pretend play is now expanding to a whole new level. It’s exciting to watch it unfold. To watch her unfold.

I’ve mentioned recently that her favorite game to play is “restaurant.” She has become very elaborate. We frequent a gourmet pizza place near our house. While waiting to be seated, you can watch the “pizza man” toss the dough in the air and roll it out. All of that is incorporated into our game. Much of the play has been led by me. I’ve pretended to be a waitress and take her order. I’ve been the customer and coached her into taking my order. She does very well with it, and each time we play the pretending goes longer and longer. It helps that we have this pizza game to play with.

Then there was yesterday. Yesterday was altogether new.

I walked into her bedroom after bath and jammies and she said, Hi Miss Teacher, I’m your student! I went with it and for the next 5-10 minutes we had Circle Time with a story (picked by Chee, read by me). Then it was time to ride the bus home and her Daddy became the bus driver and I changed back to Mommy and greeted her when she got off the bus. She told me just what she did at school and that she had so much fun on the bus with Mr. Bus Driver.

Her language was incredible! My husband and I repeatedly exchanged shocked expressions at just how engaged she was, how creative she was. It was amazing.

I caught myself thinking, Wow, I think she’s gonna be okay.

She’s learning. She’s growing. She’s developing.

There’s no pretending that.

Tonight is a night I wish I had taken my camera along with me. How I would love to have captured the look of sheer joy on both my daughters’ faces.

What were they doing? Riding their “bikes.” I have to quote bikes because neither child was actually on a bike. Chee is riding a big wheel that we bought Ess last week that she is too little for. Chee stole it. Immediately. Behind our back she put the Barbie stickers all over it (in no orderly fashion mind you) that we were going to leave off (does everything have to be branded?).

As with most of her other gross motor skills, Chee came late to the party with pedaling. Add that to the fact that she is terrified extremely uncomfortable playing in our cul-de-sac (read: very quiet, very safe), there isn’t a lot of riding happening in our little corner. And don’t forget that in order to get to the street you have to be near the driveway, which is near the evil evil garage, and well, again, no riding ’round here.

Last week we became determined that it was time to get out there and get pedaling. Pedaling is good heavy work and would be an welcome addition to our revolving Sensory Diet. And, hey, it’s fun too. So my husband bought a too-big big wheel for Ess and was going to have Chee ride her Radio Flyer Tricycle. All for naught because Chee flat-out refuses to play in the front of the house.

No, how about we ride in the backyard? I’ll just ride my bike in the back.

Our deck and patio just don’t work for any kind of riding. Then we remembered the walking path around the lake at the County Park a short five-minute drive away. We walk the path often and usually see families pedaling around the lake on their bikes as well.

Chee took the big wheel and Ess had a Winnie the Pooh ride-on toy (no pedals, she just used her feet).

And they had a blast. About 2 minutes onto the path and we began a slight descent. Ess kicked up her feet and just let herself ride down the hill as fast as Pooh and friends would take her, a smile plastered wide across her face.

Chee, after discovering the magic of steering to prevent falling, took off, pedaling her legs so fast I had to jog to keep up with her. She loved every minute of it. And she crashed good and hard at bedtime.

There is something magical seeing children blissfully happy, experiencing something brand new. Today was a good day being a Mom.

Chee has never been one to talk about her feelings. When she’s upset, she cries or whines or, unfortunately, throws herself on the ground and kicks and flails. As with most Hyperlexics and other children on the Spectrum, her language has been slower to come. We’ve often wondered what’s actually going on inside that head when she’s crying, and have yearned for when she can express her feelings, be it sadness, frustration or anger.

It’s starting to happen. Chee’s big into telling us that she’s crying, that she already cried, or that she’s going to cry. At first that was as far as she would go. She’d just say, I’m crying. We prompted her with Why questions and gave her various choices of why she might be crying. Are you sad? Are you angry? Do you miss Mommy? Are you upset that Ess took your [coveted object of the moment]?

Because she’s still somewhat echolalic, and has an incredible memory, we are careful when giving her choices. Careful not to be too repetitive with them, and careful not to be too specific. We change up the choices often as we don’t want her just to tell us the reason she’s crying is one of the choices we’ve given her one too many times. And we’re being very descriptive of our own feelings on a frequent basis. I’ll say, I feel sad that [cousin] M went back to Grandma’s today. I’m going to miss her. And of course, I’ll pair that up with my saddest face. I also tell her when I feel frustrated and angry. Happy and content. I’m not looking for a response, just modeling how to recognize and communicate feelings.

I think that’s starting to pay off. Chee is now using the word because. I think it was just last week that I heard her use the word because for the first time (appropriately in context).

She will make a sad face, and not even cry, just a sad face, and say, Mommy, I’m crying. When asked, or sometimes right away, she’ll tell me she’s crying (for example) because Daddy’s at work. Usually she’ll say she’s sad or upset. We’re still working on communicating the Whys.

However, I’m noticing that often times she will tell me she cried at some place and she’s referring to a previous experience. She told us a few days ago that she cried at the birthday party.

Why did you cry? I ask.

Because of Bob, she tells us. And then she goes on to tell us, with a little prompting and choices, that Bob yelled at her and scratched her face. So those scratches were from Bob! Fortunately we’ve heard no other stories about Bob and Chee at school, so I’m left to think it was a one-time thing that happened.

The other day driving by Lowe’s Chee said, I cried at Lowe’s.

Why did you cry?

Because Daddy and Ess were gone.

What she’s remembering is a few weeks ago when the four of us went to Lowe’s and Chee said in the van on the way there that she had to use the potty. So we parked and she and I got out and hurried on ahead to get to the bathroom. Her Daddy was left to get Ess out of the van (which always means putting her shoes back on). When she saw that Daddy and Ess were not with us, she completely fell apart. Dropped to the ground kicking and screaming. Looked like a temper tantrum, but I don’t think it was.

I think it’s separation anxiety. Chee never went through typical age-appropriate separation anxiety. Honestly, it seemed she couldn’t care less if we came and went. Over the last year, as she’s become more attuned to our comings and goings, she has started to get upset about it.

It seems to be the worst when we’re out together, the four of us, and we decide to separate (as at Lowe’s). To her, suddenly Daddy and Ess were gone. Because she was pretty dramatic in announcing her need to use the potty, we assumed it was urgent business. So, without much explanation, I hustled us off toward the store. Halfway toward the door, she turns around and does not see Daddy and Ess and bam! Separation anxiety. Meltdown in the parking lot. Nearly inconsolable.

It feels like this is a typical-but-delayed developmental stage. All kids go through separation anxiety. Chee has been delayed in everything else, it stands to reason that she is delayed in her emotional development as well.

However, when you add in a difficulty in expressing feelings, in communicating in general, the result is a disproportionate-looking severe temper tantrum.

Now that she has told me she cried because Daddy and Ess were gone, we’ve begun talking about feeling scared. I’m crossing my fingers that as her language continues to develop, as she continues to develop emotionally, this separation anxiety will be more of a blip in our schedule than a mega disruption to an afternoon outing.

I’m a bit wary of the next two weeks. There are many happenings.

We have family visiting for two weeks. My sister and her niece, M, who is four. They will be staying with us part of the time and with my Mom part of the time.

We will have other family visiting during that time, including a 2nd cousin who is 5. They will be staying with us.

M loves Chee. And Chee loves M. M is good for Chee. She prods her into playing games and forces her to engage. I will have to pay attention the next few days to make sure Chee gets the space she needs. She loves to play with M, but she needs space now again. M, not so much. M is a social butterfly. A party girl at heart. And also the life of the party. Chee, not so much.

Although, I have to say, Chee held her own very well today at a (hot and crowded) butterfly show. And for two hours playing in the backyard. Lots of great language, playing, pretending, and she took breaks when she needed it. And it may have helped that I led us in a fabulous game of Simon Says, where Simon made everyone do lots of heavy work like bear walks and wheelbarrow walks.

After talking with Chee’s OT on Monday, I’m stepping up the proprioceptive input during the day and going to try for every 2 hours to get a little heavy work of some sort in. Chee’s new love of the game Simon Says helps this endeavor quite a bit. Monday she pushed the grocery cart, full of groceries and Ess, all around the store. Now that was seriously heavy work if ever there was any.

I truly love having M visit. I often wish she lived in town as she’s the perfect playmate for Chee. So while I’m a bit wary of how things will go, and I’m perhaps a little too conscientious that Chee doesn’t get overwhelmed by it all, I’m happy to have a safe playmate for Chee. A close-in-age cousin who loves Chee and wants to be her best friend. I have no real worries about them playing together, and I don’t feel like I need to monitor them.

These two cousins make great pals.

Today I thought I had my last conversation with my beloved husband.

He called from his car to tell me that he was on his way home. About a minute into our conversation he starts screaming.

Waah ahh my car!!! Aaaaaagh!

And then silence. We were disconnected.

My heart sank. I felt nauseous.

I dialed his number.

HELLO!

He answered!!

Oh my god! Are you okay?!

Yeah, I’m fine.

What happened?!?!

There was a freaking cicada in my car!!

O.M.G.

Needless to say, we ended in hysterics.

The cicada didn’t get him, but I almost did.