goodfountain

One of the diagnostic criteria for children with Autism Spectrum Disorder has to do with pretending, make-believe play. The exact wording is: lack of varied, spontaneous make-believe play or social imitative play appropriate to developmental level.

Chee has been delayed but not lacking entirely in this skill. Because she is my first child, and because I didn’t have much of a network of friends with same-age kids when she was younger, I didn’t realize she was lacking in this area. I can remember seeing on various Milestone Charts something about pretending. Does your child engage in pretend play, e.g., using a banana as a phone? When I read that the first time I remember thinking, yes, I’ve seen her do that; so, sure, she has pretend play.

Prior to age two, though, I can recall she had zero interest in baby dolls. She didn’t mother them, pretend to feed them or put them to bed. Nothing. When she was very young her favorite things were books, wooden blocks, Mega Blocks, listening to music, and banging on toys with buttons that made noise when pressed. So great was her love for pressing noise-making buttons over and over again, that by the time she was age 18 months I had permanently rotated out nearly every single lights-and-sounds toy she had. That Christmas I requested only battery-free toys for her. The silence was heavenly.

Shortly after she was two, she had her first speech evaluation. The speech therapist handed her a baby doll and a bottle and, I can’t remember exactly, but I’m pretty sure Chee just discarded them. (Of course, I told myself that Chee herself had rarely ever drank from a bottle so how could she possibly know what to do with one.) The therapist then took the doll and pretended to feed her from the bottle. She handed them back to Chee who also did the same thing, including imitating the “Mmmm, mmmm” sounds.

There were a couple more instances during the evaluation that the SLP demonstrated some sort of playing to Chee and Chee immediately imitated her, whereas minutes before she had seemed lost or uninterested.

That was one of those lightbulb moments for me.

You mean I’m supposed to TEACH my child how to PLAY?!?!

Well, yeah, kinda. If they aren’t doing it on their own that is. I can remember feeling just horrible. What kind of mother am I, I thought, that I didn’t show my daughter what to do with a baby doll? Oh, I beat myself up something fierce for this. I convinced myself that I had not been playing with Chee enough. Clearly it was all my fault. Everything under the sun was my fault, or so it felt at the time.

She had just had her 2nd birthday from which she had amassed a veritable village of Little People. Thus dawned a new era of playing with Chee. Teaching her how to pretend. We had a castle and a boat, there were horses and dogs and Little Persons of every race, gender and occupation.

Initially, most of the pretending was done by me or my husband. We kept things pretty simple. I can remember setting up obstacle courses for the People, running them in races, and having them sit down to dinner. At that point in time, Chee had no reciprocal communication, so it followed suit that the People had no conversation as well. But there was much Hooray-ing and pointing out objects of interest.

Most of her pretend play echoed what she had seen/heard one of us do in play. If I took the People on a bus ride around the zoo, I’d later hear her taking them on the same bus ride. Everything would be just as I had done it, including using my exact same words.

I can remember the day, it was just about a year ago exactly, that she repurposed the Little People castle into Target. All on her own (neither of her parents had ever made the castle anything but the castle), she took her People shopping to “Target” where they bought “stuff.”

The pretending continued. She expanded into her play kitchen, whipping up food for breakfast and lunch. She began to take care of one of her baby dolls, including putting it to bed with her at night, complete with tucking her in and giving her a kiss. Into the mix she added Princesses and Barbies and a few stuffed animals. She was on her way.

Chee’s pretend play is now expanding to a whole new level. It’s exciting to watch it unfold. To watch her unfold.

I’ve mentioned recently that her favorite game to play is “restaurant.” She has become very elaborate. We frequent a gourmet pizza place near our house. While waiting to be seated, you can watch the “pizza man” toss the dough in the air and roll it out. All of that is incorporated into our game. Much of the play has been led by me. I’ve pretended to be a waitress and take her order. I’ve been the customer and coached her into taking my order. She does very well with it, and each time we play the pretending goes longer and longer. It helps that we have this pizza game to play with.

Then there was yesterday. Yesterday was altogether new.

I walked into her bedroom after bath and jammies and she said, Hi Miss Teacher, I’m your student! I went with it and for the next 5-10 minutes we had Circle Time with a story (picked by Chee, read by me). Then it was time to ride the bus home and her Daddy became the bus driver and I changed back to Mommy and greeted her when she got off the bus. She told me just what she did at school and that she had so much fun on the bus with Mr. Bus Driver.

Her language was incredible! My husband and I repeatedly exchanged shocked expressions at just how engaged she was, how creative she was. It was amazing.

I caught myself thinking, Wow, I think she’s gonna be okay.

She’s learning. She’s growing. She’s developing.

There’s no pretending that.

I think my husband and I are like many of the parents of today’s young children. We think. A lot. We don’t make decisions lightly, and we try our best to do the absolute best for our kids.

From ridding our diets of high fructose corn syrup and only choosing whole grain foods when possible, to limiting (or denying altogether) access to television, to seeking out a balance of well-rounded activities for optimal development - we take our job as parents seriously. To raise healthy, happy children to become healthy, happy adults. Of course there’s an abundance of love and laughter thrown in there. It’s a job raising kids, but it’s a darn fun one.

There was one decision that we especially did not take lightly. The Education of Chee. Last year, before realizing the full scope of Chee’s developmental delays, we decided on a Montessori education. It’s what felt right for our daughter. We looked at a half-dozen schools, talked with several teachers and school administrators, compared and contrasted against other preschools in the area. And with great hope, Chee began preschool last fall at a nearby Montessori preschool.

As I’ve written before, that did not work out. At all. Probably a combination of Chee’s delays (which give her the appearance of being about a year behind) and her Sensory Processing Disorder led to a very frustrating month for her (and her teachers). Resulting, ultimately, in us deciding to pull her out and seek the resources of the public school system. Just like that - bam - we took her out, and the next thing you know she’s in special education preschool. It almost left my head spinning how fast it all happened. There was little research. Just evaluations, interviews and a home visit, the next thing you know we have an IEP and two months after quitting the Montessori preschool, Chee was in a new school.

Even though Chee did very well in her classroom this past year, I can’t help but feel a bit of sadness that the Montessori classroom didn’t work for her. Mostly though I have made peace with it and accept that the special education classroom is where she belongs for now. Mostly.

And then someone makes a random comment, several times, and suddenly we are questioning our path.

Chee’s SLP has suggested, on more than one occasion, that Chee would thrive in a Montessori classroom. That with her learning style and her strong reading abilities, she will excel in that classroom. Suddenly I’m back to my wishful thinking about providing a Montessori education.

My husband and I spent the better part of the last few days, as we have done a time or two already, reevaluating the course we’re on. Should we enroll her in a Montessori preschool in the afternoons? Special needs public preschool in the morning where she has an IEP and the appropriate, necessary therapies and supports, followed by three additional hours of all that is magical about lovely about a Montessori education?

It’s tempting. Really tempting.

The internal debate comes with not knowing Chee’s capabilities. Not knowing how she’s going to do in school - Kindergarten and beyond.

Will she always need supports?

Or will she move past this, develop typical language and social skills and excel in the classroom?

Or will she find a regular classroom frustrating because she’s not challenged?

Would she truly thrive in a Montessori classroom?

Would that be a more suitable environment than where she’s returning this fall?

How does a parent know? How do we, Chee’s parents know what is the right thing to do.

It comes down to this: We don’t know. All we can do is listen to our trusted intuition.

Mine is telling me that Chee does not need to be in school for six hours a day. Three hours in the morning, a lunch break, and three hours in the afternoon. Perhaps it’s not Chee that does not need it, but maybe it’s her Mom who isn’t ready for her to be away from home that much. Either way, it’s what I’m hearing from myself.

There is always the option of choosing Montessori as her primary preschool and then using the resources the school district provides for speech and OT but, if I’m listening to my gut, withdrawing her from special ed preschool is definitely not the right choice. We have a good thing going there and I’m not messing with it.

And here we are, a few conversations later, back to our original plan. This is one of those times that we make our decision based on who Chee is today, and not who she might be in three or four years. It’s tough. Occasional nagging ‘what-if’ thoughts poke at me.

I have two young children, though, and my life is going to be full of nagging ‘what-ifs.’ For many years to come. It’s something I better get used to.

Chee has never been one to talk about her feelings. When she’s upset, she cries or whines or, unfortunately, throws herself on the ground and kicks and flails. As with most Hyperlexics and other children on the Spectrum, her language has been slower to come. We’ve often wondered what’s actually going on inside that head when she’s crying, and have yearned for when she can express her feelings, be it sadness, frustration or anger.

It’s starting to happen. Chee’s big into telling us that she’s crying, that she already cried, or that she’s going to cry. At first that was as far as she would go. She’d just say, I’m crying. We prompted her with Why questions and gave her various choices of why she might be crying. Are you sad? Are you angry? Do you miss Mommy? Are you upset that Ess took your [coveted object of the moment]?

Because she’s still somewhat echolalic, and has an incredible memory, we are careful when giving her choices. Careful not to be too repetitive with them, and careful not to be too specific. We change up the choices often as we don’t want her just to tell us the reason she’s crying is one of the choices we’ve given her one too many times. And we’re being very descriptive of our own feelings on a frequent basis. I’ll say, I feel sad that [cousin] M went back to Grandma’s today. I’m going to miss her. And of course, I’ll pair that up with my saddest face. I also tell her when I feel frustrated and angry. Happy and content. I’m not looking for a response, just modeling how to recognize and communicate feelings.

I think that’s starting to pay off. Chee is now using the word because. I think it was just last week that I heard her use the word because for the first time (appropriately in context).

She will make a sad face, and not even cry, just a sad face, and say, Mommy, I’m crying. When asked, or sometimes right away, she’ll tell me she’s crying (for example) because Daddy’s at work. Usually she’ll say she’s sad or upset. We’re still working on communicating the Whys.

However, I’m noticing that often times she will tell me she cried at some place and she’s referring to a previous experience. She told us a few days ago that she cried at the birthday party.

Why did you cry? I ask.

Because of Bob, she tells us. And then she goes on to tell us, with a little prompting and choices, that Bob yelled at her and scratched her face. So those scratches were from Bob! Fortunately we’ve heard no other stories about Bob and Chee at school, so I’m left to think it was a one-time thing that happened.

The other day driving by Lowe’s Chee said, I cried at Lowe’s.

Why did you cry?

Because Daddy and Ess were gone.

What she’s remembering is a few weeks ago when the four of us went to Lowe’s and Chee said in the van on the way there that she had to use the potty. So we parked and she and I got out and hurried on ahead to get to the bathroom. Her Daddy was left to get Ess out of the van (which always means putting her shoes back on). When she saw that Daddy and Ess were not with us, she completely fell apart. Dropped to the ground kicking and screaming. Looked like a temper tantrum, but I don’t think it was.

I think it’s separation anxiety. Chee never went through typical age-appropriate separation anxiety. Honestly, it seemed she couldn’t care less if we came and went. Over the last year, as she’s become more attuned to our comings and goings, she has started to get upset about it.

It seems to be the worst when we’re out together, the four of us, and we decide to separate (as at Lowe’s). To her, suddenly Daddy and Ess were gone. Because she was pretty dramatic in announcing her need to use the potty, we assumed it was urgent business. So, without much explanation, I hustled us off toward the store. Halfway toward the door, she turns around and does not see Daddy and Ess and bam! Separation anxiety. Meltdown in the parking lot. Nearly inconsolable.

It feels like this is a typical-but-delayed developmental stage. All kids go through separation anxiety. Chee has been delayed in everything else, it stands to reason that she is delayed in her emotional development as well.

However, when you add in a difficulty in expressing feelings, in communicating in general, the result is a disproportionate-looking severe temper tantrum.

Now that she has told me she cried because Daddy and Ess were gone, we’ve begun talking about feeling scared. I’m crossing my fingers that as her language continues to develop, as she continues to develop emotionally, this separation anxiety will be more of a blip in our schedule than a mega disruption to an afternoon outing.

Today is Chee’s last day of preschool. The last day of the first year of her formal education.

And what a year it’s been.

Chee’s very first month of preschool was at a Montessori school. I was very excited and hopeful about Montessori, believing it to be the right fit for my special daughter. Despite her language disorder, I still felt like it was the right choice for her. How wrong I was.

Most definitely not the right fit for Chee. After a very stressful month for me, and undoubtedly for her as well, I made the difficult decision to pull her out. I had not yet begun the process with our local school district, and as such had no idea what I was going to do. All I could think about was how we had failed preschool. Preschool! If we couldn’t get through preschool, what hope did we have?

Of course, things turned around significantly. Special needs preschool was suggested, I checked my ego at the door, and off we went.

It’s been a very positive experience so far. When she began preschool the first week of December, she wasn’t potty trained; the song Happy Birthday reduced her to tears; she could answer very few WH- questions; she didn’t converse with us; she didn’t initiate playing with other kids; she wouldn’t participate in group activities (e.g., Circle Time). There’s probably more that I’m forgetting.

Now she’s doing all of those things. I can’t give all the credit to preschool, though, as she’s been in private Speech and Occupational Therapies too, and I’ve worked with her at home a tremendous amount. Where preschool has been significant though is the social aspect of it. She has 11 peers in her class with whom to to learn how to be friends. She’s in a supportive environment that prompts her and guides her in the nuances of communicating with her peers. She also has opportunities to grow more comfortable with larger group settings. She’s not there yet, large groups still make her uncomfortable, and that may take awhile. With preschool, she is frequently exposed to large groups which is critical to helping her become comfortable with them. That’s not something I could do easily at home.

Last week there was an Ice Cream social at Chee’s school and a small ceremony for the preschool graduates going on to Kindergarten. The teacher said kind words about each child and talked about what they were like compared to the first year they were there. It was heartwarming and inspirational to hear how this one didn’t have any friends the first year, and how that one wouldn’t talk to anyone, but now both have several good friends and talk to everybody.

Hearing that gets me excited about the next school year. I admit to having very high hopes for Chee. Hopes that she will initiate and sustain conversation with her peers. Hopes that she will share an experience from her day at school. Hopes that she will learn to identify and share her feelings.

But first we have summer! We’ve got a fun schedule planned with Dramakinetics and Tumbling and playdates and pool dates. Cousins visiting in June and a Beach Vacation in July. And, very possibly, her first REAL birthday party with friends.

Chee’s been singing a little song the past few days.

Summer’s coming, summer’s coming
We can’t wait! We can’t wait!
School is almost over; school is almost over
3 more days; 3 more days.

Indeed, we can’t wait.

…brag.

That’s right. Mother’s brag. It’s part of what we do. I try NOT to brag too often about my kids to people that I’m around in so-called real life. I don’t want people to roll their eyes when they see me coming because they’re afraid they’ll hear another story about the Amazing Chee and Indescribable Ess.

But you, my virtual friends, you can skim or just move right past and I never have to know you rolled your eyes. So on with the bragging. It’s not a lot, don’t worry.

I don’t spend enough time talking about my delightful little Ess. She’s pretty stinking phenomenal though. Her communication is incredible. She has been speaking in sentences since 14 months and now, at 18 months, she’s getting even more expressive. If you ask her what her name is, she answers, My name is Ess. If you point to a picture of her and ask who’s that, she says, That’s me. (Chee still answers, That’s Chee, when pointing to a picture of herself.) She answers yes and no appropriately to most questions. Although usually the answer is no, especially if the question has anything to do with the possible consumption of food. She can recite parts of the alphabet, but not the whole thing all the way through. I believe she has picked up on her sister’s constant spelling of things. She stood in front of the washer today pointing at the Bosch and calling out random letters. Her favorite sentences begin with I want and end with too. Because she wants whatever her sister has. No matter what. She’s a nurturing mama to her baby dolls and a few stuffed animals. Her favorite book right now is Counting Kisses and she’s still a fan of any book that features Elmo and now especially Zoe. She’s fearless on the playground but will hide shyly behind my legs if anyone talks to her. And she’s still Mama’s girl.

And then there’s Chee who I write so much about, yet it feels like everything I write about her has to do with how she’s overcome this or struggling with that. There’s lots to Chee that have nothing to do with special needs. Chee is the giggle monster. So many things make her laugh. And what an infectious laugh she has. (Until it’s gone on too long and then it’s annoying.) She’s an awesome big sister. She shows so much concern when Ess is crying. There, there, it will be okay, she often tells her. Today, sitting next to Ess in the shopping cart, she just showered her with kiss after kiss. It was very sweet and just a wee bit emotional. Of course we know she likes to read (you can’t read this blog and not know that) and be read to as well. Her current rotation of bedtime books include a couple of Curious George books, her book about being a big sister, and a Body Book that she’s using to memorize the parts of the body and learn words like digestion and breathing and circulation. Chee is fairly proficient in Sign Language thanks to our friends at Signing Time! She can sign the alphabet and will finger spell words to us sometimes rather than speak. Her signing vocabulary is well over 300 signs. (As an aside, I credit the Signing Time! series with the being THE thing that pushed Chee’s language development. Being the visual learner and lover of songs that she is - that combination in the Signing Time! series was a homerun for her. We like to say it’s when the light bulb came on.) Her speech therapist does worksheets with her to help build her language skills. Chee’s doing worksheets at a first grade level already. She picks things up very fast. She is shy in a crowded room, but in a smaller setting she doesn’t know a stranger. She is Daddy’s girl through and through.

Okay, bragging over. This had to be done.

I cannot say enough good things about the House Rules. It’s only been a few days, but it’s quite impressive, it is, the power of written-out House Rules to a child who learns, processes, and flat-out loves to read.

Unabashedly I admit that I took Ben’s House Rules as my own. The first three at least. They are the right first three rules for Chee (as they must have been for Ben as well - funny how these little Hyperlexics challenge their parents quite similarly).

1. Cooperate with Mommy and Daddy.
2. Use words to communicate.
3. Do not push or hurt others.

First I have to share that it was so cute listening to her to sound out cooperate. After 3 or 4 tries, getting it nearly right, she said to me, Mommy, what is it? And of course, she’s not forgotten it since. Once she learns a new word, she never forgets it.

Several times throughout the day I found it necessary to ask her what Rule #1 is, and each time it redirected her to an appropriate activity. Generally, the appropriate activity being compliance with me on getting dressed, or getting shoes on, or cleaning up a mess. Impressive. Today was practically a breeze. Practically. Comparatively. Breezey might be getting a little ahead of ourselves.

She loves to run to the wall and review her Rules and to share them with visitors. She read them to both Grandma and Grandpa today. And when asked what Rule #1 is, she always added in to cooperate with Grandma or Grandpa.

Since the House Rules have worked so well, I came up with my own little idea for improving snacks and mealtimes. It seems Chee loves to revert to eating with her fingers half the time, and getting her to wash her hands after eating is a battle. Unless I remind her before the meal is over to wash her hands. With a reminder ahead of time, she’s pretty good about it. But guess who’s always forgetting to remind…

So I took a Plexiglas 4×6 picture frame and wrote the following ‘rules’ (although I didn’t label them rules) out for her.

• Eat with a fork or spoon, not your fingers.
• Take your plate to the sink.
• Wash your hands.

This made all the difference today. Even if I didn’t remind Chee before she was done eating, all I had to do was pick up the frame and ask her to read the rules, and off she’d go to wash her hands, soap and everything. Same with taking her plate to the sink. She was on it.

I have big plans for more written out rules, routines, guidelines, etc. Big plans. If I’m not careful, there will be posters and Plexiglas frames adorning our walls and tabletops everywhere. I’ll be more selective than that, I think. I wouldn’t want to overuse something only to have it lose its beautiful power.

Now where’s my Sharpie?

Chee is out of sorts sensory-wise. So many frustrating-to-me (and probably to her as well) behaviors. Either she’s out of sorts or she’s just becoming really obnoxious (which I’ve not ruled out). When this kind of behavior happens, I find it beneficial to try and determine if there’s something bigger going on and also see if there’s something I can do to help her through it.

Here’s a sampling of what we’ve been dealing with this week.

Went to a store last night to purchase a new set of patio furniture. She wanted to ride in one of those horrible contraptions that is a shopping cart with a TV (something she has never ridden in but is desperate to). We said no but that she could play by them while we took turns looking at the patio furniture which was about 10 feet away. She could see whichever parent was at the patio furniture and of course the other parent was standing next to her. This was not a good plan. Where’s Daddy? Where’s Mommy? Frantic about whoever was not right with her. Total meltdowns ensued. Many of them. She asked for a lotta lotta hugs. Her big issue is she needed both of us to be in the car, in our seats. Having one of us out of the car was stressful.

The ride home from said store she cried and cried and at one point shouted, I’m angry. I’m angry. Through the tears she communicated that she wanted to go shopping and she wanted something to eat. I told her to pick a store and we would go there. She said, How about T? T for Target!” So after a brief stop at home to drop off the patio furniture that was in danger of spilling out of our van, we went to Target. All was fine until after she and I came out of the bathroom (yes, public restroom toilet usage has been conquered) and she said, Where’s Daddy? and realized Daddy wasn’t there. He’s in the van with Ess. Total meltdown. My response was just to step over her flailing body and say, I’m heading out to the van. She popped up and ran with me, still crying.

These two examples are increasing in frequency. She wants us both to be with her if we both can. So long as Daddy is not at work then he should be wherever the rest of us are. Similarly, if I want to go somewhere at night, she asks constantly where I am. Not crying and upset, but seemingly stressed a bit. I’m working on coming up with something (that won’t tear or break) I can give her to comfort her when I’m away from her. She is not doing this consistently all the time, and I want to make sure we don’t get to that point. But perhaps that she’s doing it is an indicator that she’s a bit stressed or dysregulated or … something.

There are a couple of other things she has done that illustrate to me that she’s not herself right now. I’m not sure if it’s Sensory Processing challenges or not. I’m leaning that way for now.

I picked up a toy piano (for a $1 at a Thrift Store) that has demo songs pre-recorded. As expected she is pressing all the buttons over and over again - partly I think it’s a sound stimming kind of thing, and partly I think she’s trying to figure out what all the buttons do. She listens to about 2 seconds of each demo song before going to the next one, until she gets to Let it Be. She listens to that one all the way through and claps when it’s over. And zips through all the other demo songs quickly to get to that one again. So I found the above link and played it for her. She became upset and cried and said, I don’t like that song, turn it off.

Chee circled the room at her art class today. Today’s activity was finger painting and after about 2-3 minutes of it, she was done and she repeatedly circled the room and walked in and out of the door. In the past, that has been typical behavior of an over-stimmed Chee.

Often times I can attribute sensory dysregulation to a developmental spurt. Seems like at the same time that I’ll be thinking how amazing her language has been, I’ll be frustrated by her behavior. Maybe the potty training this time? Her language does continue to develop and grow, but add in the mix the independence and responsibility and awareness that she now has… I don’t know for sure. Just thinking out loud here.

What’s coming to mind is to figure out a way to help her (and us) manage through what’s shaping up to be a busy summer with lots of changes. School will be letting out in a couple of weeks, she’ll start a tumbling class and the Dramakinetics class. We have relatives coming to visit, including a couple of close-in-age cousins, and we’ll be taking our first family beach vacation.

Maybe a revamping of our home Sensory Diet. We’ve been doing the same stuff since January without much change. Maybe another social story to work on ways to express herself when she’s upset and we’re away from home.

And maybe add another rule or two to our House Rules list. I followed Ben’s Dad’s advice on this post (thanks Chris!) and created some House Rules. Chee has memorized them already and responded very well today when asked, Hey, what’s Rule #1? (Cooperate with Mommy and Daddy) when she was trying to use our recliner as a human launching pad.

Maybe I’m crazy, but sometimes I think that this sensory acting out is a good thing. It gives me a chance to see what areas we need to work on and gives her a chance to grow and develop.

And usually I get lots more requests for hugs.

Today was a day and a half.

Chee has me up against a wall with how to discipline her on a couple of different things. I don’t know if it’s her particular bag of issues that makes it seem like standard-fare parenting techniques are met with zero success, or if it’s that I don’t appear as though I mean business.

But I do. I mean business. I actually said that today.

You better cut it out, Chee, and I mean business!

What was that? For one thing it was apparently hysterical judging by the laughter that ensued. Her laughter, not mine.

I sometimes wonder if I cut her a bit too much slack. When it’s time to get ready to leave for OT or Speech, she doesn’t cooperate. She laughs and laughs and runs screaming (with laughter) away from me when I try to hand her her pants or her socks and shoes. I hate wrestling her down to get her dressed. I hate screaming at her. Plain old talking does nothing. Is this what life is like for everyone with a 3 1/2 year old?

Today was one of those days where she wouldn’t listen to me on anything. I needed to talk to her OT for a bit after the session. She wanted to leave. I gave her things to do to keep herself occupied but they lasted only briefly. She ignored all requests to be patient and wait quietly for Mommy. She ended up dumping a baggy of Cheerios all over the floor. This resulted in a huge crying fit because we made her help clean them up. Oh the injustice. What finally calmed her down was a promise to go see the receptionist (she loves the receptionist) after she finished cleaning up the Cheerios. Everything is a negotiation. Everything. And even that is not a guarantee of compliance.

I think I understand that that is typical of preschoolers. What mother hasn’t been through countless negotiations to get through a simple trip to the supermarket. What I think is not typical, and is perhaps related to her aforementioned bag of issues, is the seeming ineffectiveness of consequences. Today she lost her TV privileges for not getting dressed when it was time to leave for school. Who cares? She found plenty to do when Curious George was banned. Consequences are either ineffective or result in epic-proportion meltdowns, as in the case of Timeout. Timeouts are off the table. They aren’t worth it.

I seem to find myself defaulting to Prevention Mode. For the most part, I know how to keep her in line. Prep, prep and more prep. And the promise of a reward. After we leave OT we’re going to Costco. In Costco you have to keep your hands on the cart. If you listen to Mommy in the store, we’ll have some yogurt. Usually that works.

But when it doesn’t, and she decides to get silly on me, and spin in the store, and run away from me, and knock apples on the floor and empty baggies of Cheerios, when that happens, I can’t get through to her. No amount of cajoling, promising or threatening makes a difference. Cut it out, Chee, and I mean business falls on deaf ears.

Some of this is probably typical of a child her age, and some of it may be related to her Language Processing or her Sensory Processing. It’s really hard to say since my only other reference point is kept pretty occupied eating a banana in the shopping cart … and it’s pretty typical for an 18 month old to run away when you tell her it’s time to get dressed.

Wait. Is that it? Did I just stumble on something? Is Chee imitating her little sister with some of this? I have noticed a few examples of that. Playing with the cats food and water dishes, for example, started up again when Ess discovered them.

I don’t know if that’s it entirely, but I now suspect some of the new obnoxious behaviors are part imitation.

The rest, I don’t know.

But we’ll keep on. Prep. More Prep. Promise of a reward.

Couldn’t that be a definition of parenting itself?

The meeting is over. The anxiety is relieved. (At least until the day or two before the next meeting.)

In short, their biggest concern is Chee’s failure (such an ugly word) to interact and engage with her peers.

Later that afternoon, Chee and I went to her Art Class for SPD kids (which is pretty cool). There I witnessed the following:

We were playing with a big blue parachute pretending it was the ocean and she was “swimming” in it. P, the other child in the class, was not participating, choosing to stand against the wall and look around. Chee took the parachute over to him and she said, “Hey, P, want to come and swim in the ocean? Want to be a fish?”

That was COMPLETELY on her own … NO prompting from me. She just did it. So I guess she’s not failing…

Their other concern is what they are calling anxiety. She takes a long time to come into the classroom, choosing to stand in the doorway and observe for awhile, and then she goes through the same script everyday during the sign in process (where she practices writing her name). She takes a long, long time to choose a marker and then takes forever to write her name, whereas most other kids zip through this in just a minute or two.

The team’s feeling is that coming in the classroom is overwhelming for Chee and she is giving herself time to get acclimated to the situation. A loooong time.

I don’t know what to say about that. I don’t know what to do about that.

My gut tells me that it’s connected to the SPD and as we continue weekly OT to address those needs, we’ll see less anxiety.

My gut also tells me that it’s connected to her Language, and that as that continues to develop, and she can find the words to express her feelings, we’ll see less anxiety.

Expressing feelings is coming. Just last week, for the first time ever she told me she felt mad about something. She was upset and said, I felt mad! I felt mad! (Music to my ears.)

The last part of the meeting was about Kindergarten. Chee has a summer birthday, so she can start Kindergarten when she’s 5, or we can wait till she’s 6. They want to know which way am I leaning. Everything I have read about children with Hyperlexia says that their language really takes off between ages four and five. With that in mind, I’m reserving judgment on when she should start Kindergarten for about another six months. Let’s just see how things go.

Taking a wait and see approach is not my general modus operandi.

Right now I think it’s the only approach I can take. We’re doing all the right things, including getting together a solid game plan for social interaction this summer.

Ohm.

I continue to be amazed at how powerful the written word is for Chee. It’s not 100% fail-proof (what is?), but it’s certainly incredibly effective. I imagine this to be true for all Hyperlexic children.

Recently Chee’s Occupational Therapist and I had a discussion that perhaps it’s time to move on from using the Alphabet as motivation in developing those fine motor skills. There’s more to writing than the ABCs, and we decided to make a shift. Yesterday her OT presents a picture of an insect that is all jumbled up. Half the head on one side, the other half somewhere else on the page. The belly and the back and the wing and the legs all mixed up on the page. Chee’s instructions were to choose a color and then to color the face or the belly, etc. Once it was all colored, they would cut it out and piece it together. Lots of skills to work on there - coloring (holding crayon properly), cutting and gluing.

She became quite distracted and seemed unable to focus and complete any coloring. I asked her OT what does she think that’s all about and she said she thinks it’s challenging for Chee, something new, and so she’s checking out. Probably right as I’ve seen her do that before. More than a few times.

OT then flipped the page over and wrote BUG on the back and then FACE. After Chee read the words, she told her, I want you to color the bug’s face. Chee focused and readily complied. Then OT wrote BELLY on the back and repeated the above steps. Same thing from Chee - focus and completion.

This week I am going to take some similar type of coloring pages - something jumbled up - and try to repeat the project with Chee. I want to see if reading is always necessary for project completion, or just when it’s something new. My hunch is only when it’s something new.

This is on my mind right now because I get very little feedback from Chee’s teacher about how she’s doing. Which for the most part I know that means she’s doing fine - at least behaviorally. If there were behavioral problems I’m sure I’d know. The only occasional comment I’ll get is that Chee didn’t seem to understand a task, or understand the big picture of what’s going on.

We have our next parent-teacher conference in a couple of weeks and I want to have armed myself with some examples to show how simply writing down a word or two will help convey a concept, idea or direction in a way that Chee can understand.

Via our private speech therapy and occupational therapy, I see how incredibly powerful writing down a few words is to help Chee connect the dots. At home, I see how reading the words herself helps prepare her for new experiences (such as the Sesame Street outing). I’d like to see the same simple accommodations being made at school too.

Meanwhile, I have to figure out what is the typical stuff that works. I find myself reaching for pen and paper to try and help Ess out - and she just tries to eat the paper. Parenting two very different kids requires very different approaches. My parenting muscles sure are getting a big workout lately.