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I am rather ambivalent about Santa.
In my heart I don’t have a lot of energy for selling Charlotte and Sarah on the idea of this guy who flies around the world on a sleigh pulled by a 9 reindeer and holds a naughty and nice list.
Charlotte is 5 years old and still hasn’t quite grasped the Santa concept and at this point I feel like I’d be working really hard to convince her that the jolly fellow is the real deal.
Then again, I have no intention of telling them Santa isn’t real, but that some kids think he is a real person so be sure and not tell anyone that Santa isn’t real as it might upset them (or their parents actually).
That seems equally as complicated a message.
I get that Christmas is magic for kids, and a lot of that magic resides in the idea of Santa Claus bringing gifts to boys and girls around the world.
I guess what I’m trying to find is the happy medium. The balance between “if you aren’t a good girl, Santa’s not going to bring what you want for Christmas,” and “There is no such thing as Santa Claus.”
I like the idea of Secret Santa, I think. We picked two stars off the Giving Tree at Charlotte’s school. I plan to take the girls shopping with me to pick out the gifts, and telling them that they are the “Secret Santa” for the two girls we’re buying for.
Maybe. It’s a thought.
The thought that any of us can be Santa Claus to someone who needs something. The Santa spirit of giving.
I would like the Santa message they get to be more about giving than about getting.
I don’t know.
Surely I’m not the first mother to have wrestled with this.
How do you do Santa in your house?
This past week of Thanksgiving celebrativities was truly one for the record books.
My husband’s brother and his family visited us from a state far, far away. Last time we saw them was two years ago when they came here for Thanksgiving.
My kids had a great time with their cousins. Charlotte, ever the romantic, fell for her eldest cousin. He’s 14. And what a good sport he was about the whole thing. Of course he has two younger sisters so he’s good with the ladies.
Sarah found a soul-mate in the youngest cousin. She’s 7 and quite the mischievous one. She’s such a sweet, sweet girl, though, and she gave me hope that some day my little Sarah will outgrow her wild child ways.
All of us, but none more than me, were happy (beyond happy) with the middle cousin. She’s 12 and a born nurturer. She took care of Charlotte and Sarah tirelessly. And when I thanked for being so good with them, she claimed it was fun. Fun! If I could clone her for myself, I would.
We had a Thanksgiving Miracle during the early morning hours of Thanksgiving. A certain Kindergartner woke herself (and me too) up in the middle of the night to use the potty. First time ever. Let’s hope it continues!
Charlotte managed the company and the zany schedule with finesse. She and Sarah had their first sleepover which included popcorn and a movie followed by sleeping on the family room floor.
Even with the lack of sleep, there was no going off by herself, no random sensory-overload meltdowns. The only crying was because she didn’t want her cousins to leave.
And she had hit another little developmental milestones of sorts. Charlotte has never articulated to me what she wants as gifts. Her birthday last July the conversation went something like this:
“What do you want for your birthday, Charlotte?”
“A gift.”
“What kind of gift?”
“A present.”
“What do you want the present to be?”
“A gift.”
“When you open the gift, what do you want to find inside?”
“A box.”
“And what would you like to be IN the box? Toys, clothes, books…”
“I want toys and clothes and books for my birthday.”
“What toy would you like?”
“The one in the box.”
This conversation was had many, many times.
So imagine my surprise when last night Charlotte said, “Mommy, do you know what I want to get for Christmas?”
“No, I don’t. What do you want for Christmas?”
Repeat.
This went on several times till I let it go.
About 10 minutes later I said, “Hey, Charlotte, do you know what you want for Christmas?”
Long pause. I assume she’s not going to answer. And then,
“A Mulan dress and a Mulan doll.”
“Okay, sounds good, we’ll have to see what we can do.”
Another long pause. And then,
“A new groom, and a beautiful tent. A tent that drives.”
[The groom would be a new "Ken" groom (the one Ken we have apparently can't keep up with all the Barbie lovin'.). I think the tent that drives is the Barbie Glamour Camper she's been eying at Target for a few weeks. At $80, though, it's not happening.]
I was pretty excited that she told me stuff she wants for Christmas. Not that I am trying to turn my kid into a little consumer extraordinaire or anything, but I have to think that it’s a good thing that she is understanding a little more about the holiday season.
This weekend we have more celebrativities with little Miss Sarah turning 3 years old. She has promised that when she’s 3 she’s going to start using the toilet. I’m holding her to it. (Ha, yeah right!)
How was your Thanksgiving week?
I could say we went there to surprise Charlotte. But, when it came right down to it, I had the chance to skip out on making dinner, so I took it. (I’m no fool, friends.)
We went to Five Guys last night.
When placing her order, Charlotte ordered every thing on the menu.
“I’d like hot dogs, burgers and fries.”
The wait wasn’t too bad, although it was pretty chaotic in there.
The burgers and fries and hot dogs lived up to our memories, thankfully.
A good and greasy dinner was had by all.
Speaking of good dinners, click on over to (Never) Too Many Cooks for my newest post: Taco Salad. I share a recipe for making your own taco seasoning.
I have a mantra.
Perhaps I’ve mentioned it.
This too shall pass.
If ever I’ve needed to heed my own mantra, now is the time.
Charlotte, apparently, is in love.
My first inkling came when she would tell me that for Halloween Kevin (not his real name) was going to dress up as a Knight and she was going to go Trick or Treating at his house. That Kevin is going to be a Knight is particularly relevant as Charlotte plans to be a bride.
Early in the week she said, “I wish that Kevin and I could get married.”
What?!
I volunteered in her class this week and BigC (the special ed teacher) told me that Charlotte introduces Kevin as her husband.
Kevin’s response: “I ain’t nobody’s husband.”
Charlotte was disappointed that Kevin was out sick that day and she couldn’t introduce me. I discovered they sit at the same table. Never underestimate the importance of proximity when you’re a 5-year-old in love.
Later in the week she asked if we could go to Kevin’s house on Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s!!
Today she drew a picture of Kevin.
She said: “I drew a picture of Kevin and I’m going to put in his mailbox and when he sees it he’ll say ‘Hey what’s this?’ and I’ll say ‘I made that for you, Kevin.’”
Big smile on her face.
She put on a little green heart-shaped ring and called it her wedding ring. “I’m going to wear this to school and show Kevin.”
Lord help me.
Just before it was time to leave for school she said, “Mommy you need to clean up your face because I don’t want you to meet Kevin looking like a mess.”
I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
Charlotte’s grandparents came over today for dinner. The first thing she did was show them the picture she drew. “This is Kevin, he’s my husband.”
There was further talk about Kevin dressing up as a Knight and them Trick or Treating together. I asked, “Have you talked to Kevin about this?”
“No.”
Kevin was the topic of conversation much of the evening. Her topic of conversation, I should clarify.
I have joked that the only things Charlotte ever did early were Hair and Teeth. I am not at all ready to add Boyfriend to that list!
I will say this: Tiana from the coming-out-soon movie The Princess and the Frog better be a smart, independent girl whose sole mission is something other than finding Prince Charming.
***
Okay, I was going to end right there. But then I went and read more about Tiana. Holy crap Charlotte is going to love this girl. She’s a waitress who is an aspiring chef!!
Charlotte wants to be a chef when she grows up! And remember she was a waitress last Halloween!
Wikipedia says this about Tiana: “She’s a strong woman who doesn’t need anyone to do things for her…She wants to do things for herself.” She must learn that balance is important in life; to be happy, she needs both love and a career.
Since I do believe it is Disney that made Charlotte fall in love with the idea of finding a husband, then I think Disney needs to pitch in and help undo that notion a little bit.
Here’s hoping Tiana does the trick.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the outstanding comments on my post about the challenges we’ve been seeing here at chez goodfountain.
I considered writing a follow up post summarizing all the suggestions, but then I realized that would be a lot of copying and pasting and, well, I just can’t do it. If anyone stumbles here, though, looking for advice on how to deal with challenging behaviors of their ASD kid, just click here for quite a few great ideas.
One thing I’ve decided to fairly immediately do is make a visual schedule.
My reason is two-fold. One, I think a bit more structure to our mornings will alleviate some of the problems with being told “No” and, two, I’d like to try to work piano practicing into the daily routine. Yes, no quitting yet. At least not without trying a bit harder on my part to make 5-10 minutes a day of practicing part of the routine.
Besides, Charlotte herself does not want to quit. She is excited about the Halloween recital coming up (where she plans to dress like a witch to play her Zoom Zoom Witch’s Broom piece). Rather than jumping ship, as I’m tempted to do, I’d like to use this as an opportunity to force ME to provide more structure to our morning.
I think all 3 of us would be much happier if our mornings were a little less haphazard. As the primary grown up in the house most of the day, I suppose it is truly up to me to create that order (darn it!).
I have used written schedules for Charlotte before with good success, but it has not worked well for us this year yet (by year I mean the academic year that just started).
What’s different is that she is in afternoon Kindergarten rather than morning (like the last 2 years of preschool). Morning routine used to be very simple – wake up, potty, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, fix hair, shoes, backpack, school. That written schedule hung on the fridge all year and made mornings fairly smooth.
Sarah would also benefit from a visual schedule. She tends to get very upset when told No about something as well – I don’t see why having a visual schedule wouldn’t help her as well.
Now comes the hard (for me) part of actually organizing the time. Charlotte and Sarah are usually up between 7:30 and 8:00. We leave for school at 1:00, allowing for 5 hours to accomplish just a few things. The current routine is lunch at 12:00 or 12:15. Get dressed, brush teeth, fix hair, shoes and backpack starts at 12:30. (It’s important to start early as there’s major lolly-gagging during this process.)
Three mornings a week we have places to go (getting dressed and out the door for those is not a problem), so we have much less time at home, but the before-school routine remains the same.
The time we’re at home is filled with a circuit of coloring, breakfast, reading books playing and watching a show. There’s no routine to that. Sometimes they watch TV while eating breakfast, sometimes no TV at all. The morning time we’re home is very, very loose.
The two new activities I’d like to add to the mix are piano practice and clean-up.
What I’m wondering is how structured should I go? Following a clock all morning doesn’t appeal to me (and I’d surely fail).
Charlotte really likes the Centers in her classroom at school. I don’t see myself setting up physical Centers, but maybe something like Time Centers. At school, kids do one Center a day. At home, we need to do all the Time Centers.
Time Centers would be things like the before-school routine, breakfast, morning snack, piano, coloring, reading, watching a show, clean up.
I don’t want to mandate what order all the various activities are done. I don’t care if the kids wake up and feel like watching TV first thing. I don’t want to control how they spend every minute. I just want to make sure certain things ARE done every day – namely, piano practice and cleaning up.
Okay you super-creative blog friends out there, help me flush out this idea. I don’t want to make things too complicated as perhaps I am known to do (who me?).
As I’ve shared a few times, Charlotte is doing fabulously at school. Fabulous.
Things, however, are not quite as fabulous on the home-front.
If I get to dwelling on this too long, I will start to berate myself. It’s all my fault that she doesn’t listen. I haven’t enforced consequences enough, I’m not stern enough, I’m a horrible failure, blah blah blech!
Self-flagellation sucks. I hate it. So I don’t dwell for too long on how we got to this place. Instead I remind myself that her development was atypical and we did what we thought was best at the time.
When Charlotte was age 2, and most of age 3, she had almost no true reciprocal communication. Most of her negative behaviors (and there weren’t many) were linked to sensory processing challenges, meaning we don’t believe she could help herself. So we couldn’t bring ourselves to punish her. Instead we focused on creating an environment in which she felt safe. That helped tremendously.
The year she was 4 there was such a tremendous explosion in her communication skills, we were dumbstruck. Sass? A little bit of attitude? No, it wasn’t right, but Oh My Goodness she was communicating spontaneously with us. We were so afraid it might go away, a lot of things were let slide.
And so here we are at age 5 with a girl who communicates mostly perfectly fine. She is handling herself very well in the classroom at school, during swim lessons, during her first-ever dance class this past Monday (where her diagnosis was not disclosed and there was no parent present – yep, we just sent her off into the wilds).
The good news at home is that she is not battling us on much of what used to be cause for meltdowns (e.g. brushing teeth, getting dressed).
However, we have another set of meltdown-inducing, um, challenges.
Example 1
Charlotte accidentally bumps a game off the buffet which lands on the cat’s water bowl and sloshes water all over the floor. I ask her to grab a towel and clean up the water. She runs away.
Example 2
Charlotte is playing with stickers. She dumps out the whole bag of stickers on the floor. I mention several times that she will need to pick all those stickers up when she is done. She finishes playing and runs away, ignoring my demand that she come back and clean up the stickers.
Example 3
Charlotte decides she wants to color. It’s 5 minutes before dinner, or before we need to leave the house. She pushes a chair to the counter and reaches high into the cupboard to get the markers and crayons. I repeatedly tell her that she cannot color right now but that we will do it later. Finally I have to physically block her from getting the markers. She throws herself down on the ground screaming and kicking.
(Those 3 examples all happened today.)
A couple of things are kinda sorta working to bring her back to do the cleaning up. The magical 1-2-3 count coupled with the threat of losing her beloved Belle has brought her back. Threat of consequence however is the only way to get her to do something she doesn’t want to go. Positive reinforcement when she does clean up is doled out, but it hasn’t cleared the way to doing it when asked the first time. Or just doing it period.
To get her to stop having a meltdown over not being allowed to do whatever she wants to do right the minute she wants to do it – I have to use threat of consequence. Which is, again, losing Belle.
I hate threatening consequences. Is there another way? A way that is more positive? I’ve tried setting rules because she likes them, but it doesn’t matter. Plus I can’t anticipate every single scenario. I know that it’s typical of kids at age 5 to not listen to their parents, but I believe this goes beyond what is typical. Especially in her reaction.
Or do all 5 year olds throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming when told they can’t color? Every time?
What is the best way to get through to her? Do I write a social story about listening to Mommy? About respect?
My ultimate hope here is that she will a) learn to clean up her toys after playing with them; b) learn to accept No as the answer when she simply cannot do what she wants to do the minute she wants to do it.
If you’re on the other side of this, I would love some advice. Or just some good “hang in there, Mom” kinda stuff works too.
I am notorious for quitting things I’m not enjoying, or that become too difficult.
I haven’t quit everything. I did manage to graduate from college (in the usual amount of time even). I stayed employed at the same company for more than just a few years (although in my 8 years there I did have 5 different jobs, but who’s counting?).
But on smaller scale things that are purely elective, I tend to quit.
Pottery class – check
Photography class – check
Creative writing class – check
Like every good mother who wants to reinvent herself through her children, I do not want my kids to turn into quitters like me.
How’s that going?
Let’s recap.
The first preschool Charlotte went to, a Montessori one, we quit after one month. Although, in fairness to the both of us, it was so not the right place for her.
Prior to that we bailed on Musikgarten, tumbling and a drama-type class – thanks to our good friend Sensory Processing Disorder.
Group lessons became more manageable once Charlotte had about a year of private OT behind her. Tumbling, swimming, and steel drum camp have been conquered.
In an effort to go gentle on myself, I have to say that Charlotte’s quitting of classes (or, more accurately, my quitting) really did have everything to do with her developmental readiness.
It was torture, for both of us, to make it through tumbling week after week. Even though I hated to do it, quitting was a relief.
Sarah, on the other hand, she and I stuck with two, consecutive 17-week tumbling classes last year. Not a quitter, my little Sarah!
Until today, that is. She absolutely positively does not want to go to dance anymore. For the last three weeks she has just tolerated it. I can’t leave the room. I *have* to do the (not parent participation) class with her.
By the time we were ready to leave this morning, she had dissolved into a puddle of tears on the ceramic tile floor.
I suspect it’s that a non-Mommy class coupled with the newness of preschool 2 mornings a week is just too much for this very attached little girl. She wants to be with me all the time. So, for now, we will stick with preschool, and dance, well, it’s become another casualty of The Quitter (that’s me).
But then there’s Charlotte and piano.
Charlotte does not want to practice the piano anymore. The problem is that she isn’t upset about it. She just says things like “No, not now.” Or, “I’ll do it when Daddy gets home.” She readily agrees to practice, but then doesn’t.
There’s no crying or whining (“But I don’t wanna practice.”). She’s happy to go to her lesson each week. What’s frustrating is she only needs to play a song a few times to have it down. This isn’t hard for her. But she still has to practice some to learn the music.
We’ve spent about 4 weeks now on “Hush, Little Baby” with minimal progress.
I go back and forth on whether to quit or not. On the one hand, her teacher says it’s a phase she’ll grow out of. Okay, but at $20 a lesson, how much money do I throw away till (if?) she grows out of it.
On the other hand, if I keep nagging her and trying to bribe/coerce/negotiate her into practicing, I may turn her away from it forever. There is no forcing her to do something she doesn’t want unless there is a consequence involved, and I don’t feel the least bit right about handing out consequences for not practicing. It’s not like she HAS to play the piano. It should be a desired activity -and it was very much desired for her until about 2 months ago.
However, if she quits now, she may never want to go back. But if she takes a break for awhile, she may be interested in picking it up again later.
It’s times like this I admit to being the most frustrated by her language skills. Is there a reason she doesn’t want to practice? She says she doesn’t want to quit, yet she won’t practice. Why why why?
Gah. Right now I’m leaning toward “taking a break.” Yep, we won’t call it quitting. Just taking a break.
And I’m going to have to trust that I’m not setting her, or Sarah, up for a life of perpetual quitting and lack of follow through, like their dear old Mom.
I’m a latecomer to this gem of a book.
When I was pregnant with Charlotte, or perhaps shortly after she was born, and heard mention of the book, it was usually followed by how it made the reader cry, how she sobbed her way through the end.
My natural reaction was, Why would I read a book that’s going to make me cry? And so I never sought it out.
And then today I was browsing at Half Price Books and there was the famed tear inducer. Less cynical than I used to be, perhaps, so I bought Love You Forever. Hours later, curled up in the recliner with Charlotte, I read her the book.
And, yes, I bawled like a baby at the end. Charlotte loved it too.
(Later, Sarah wanted nothing to do with it and demanded that I take it back to the store and read her one of her old books. Can’t please everybody. Especially her.)
While at Half Price Books I stumbled upon another book that has been on my (somewhat faded) mental list of books to buy if I run across them cheap (cheap books, yes, I know, many of you are shuddering, what can I say though – I could write a whole blog post on how I let go of feeling like I needed a large collection of books to prove I was an avid reader – I’m a library and used book kinda gal now).
Anyways… the other book is Frederick, by Leo Lionni, and I first learned of it by reading my college friend Joe’s blog.
Have you read Joe’s blog? You must. He writes all these lists of his favorite things (childhood memories, TV shows, albums, currently he’s doing his 50 favorite movies). If you are in your late 30s, his blog is an especially enjoyable, and quite humorous, treat. (If you are not in your late 30s, you can totally check it out and enjoy too – no age discrimination here, people.)
Goodness I’m full of tangents today.
While reading Frederick, I couldn’t help but think that maybe Charlotte, when she is in a quiet, appears-to-be-tuned-out kind of place, perhaps then she is storing up sun rays and colors for later, for a time when they’ll be needed most. Words too.
A happy thought with which to end.
Motor planning “delays” (is it a delay or something else entirely different?) are part and parcel for many an ASD or otherwise developmentally different kid.
We take a new skill and break it into smaller chunks to help our kid learn it. Riding bikes, swinging, swimming, the list goes on and on. I am doing it with learning to tie shoelaces right now. Charlotte can cross the laces like an X, and she can put one of the laces under the X. Next we have to “Pull!” and we’ll be on our way!
Theory is that we help our kids build their confidence level by enabling them to have small successes. “Great job! You are pumping your legs on the swing! You did it!” Then we start showing how to move the upper body back and forth to actually keep the swing moving (still working on that in this house).
I’ve noticed that breaking things down into smaller parts is effective with Sarah too. Not just with developing a new skill (she seems to pick up those up quite handily) but in accomplishing a first. Today at her first dance lesson, she didn’t want me to leave the room. So I sat with her along the wall, then we started doing the motions together. I inched us toward the rest of the class and eventually slowly backed up to the wall. She still wasn’t thrilled that I wasn’t right there with her, but she participated without me by her side. Next week I’ll try to start out with me against the wall and her in the group. Maybe eventually I’ll be able to sit on the bench outside the room and watch. Whatever works for Sarah and Charlotte is my motto.
If breaking things into smaller tasks and parts works for Sarah and Charlotte, might it not work on dear old Mom too?
Goal – Healthier Living.
First I needed a success – a confidence booster. If I can accomplish one small goal, then I can move on to another. So I quit my daily Coke (a cola, people) habit. No more reliance on those empty 140 calories as my afternoon pick me up. I loved my daily Coke. Loved it. The caffeine, the sugar, the carbonation.
But, still, I have long wanted to give up what I consider to be an unhealthy habit.
One week later, with a little lotta help from the just perfect glass(es) of Iced Tea, I was over my addiction. No longer craving my daily fix of high fructose corn syrup and caramel color – I had succeeded!
On to the next step – going to bed early. It’s one of my biggest downfalls. I am a night owl. If I don’t go to bed early, I can’t get up early. And then I’m tired and run down all day (thus requiring more caffeine and intensifying my craving). I focused on an earlier bedtime for a week and grew to crave something new -sleep. Wow, so this is what it feels like to be rested. I like it!
From there I went to carving out 10 minutes a day to do some physical activity. In order to be successful there, I put my work out clothes on first thing in the morning. And my tennies. That way, when the opportunity to hop on the treadmill presents itself, I am ready. Also it got my kids used to seeing me exercise and they began accepting that as part of Mommy’s routine. Inotherwords, they learned to leave me alone.
So now I’ve given up a bad habit, I’m going to bed earlier, and I’m exercising 10 minutes a day. What next?
Increase the exercise. Do you have any idea how easy it was to go from 10 minutes to 30 minutes when I had all those other habits in place. It was like nothing.
This is my 3rd week of exercising (at least) 30 minutes a day! This week so far I am 3 for 3 days! The famed and all-knowing “they” say it takes 4 weeks to develop a new habit. I am on my way!
I haven’t been feeling terribly posty lately.
A multitude of reasons exist for why, but at its core it is has to do with connecting.
Let’s see if I can tie this all together to resemble something cohesive.
Something I have struggled with for a long time is that I often don’t feel connected to what I’m doing at the moment. I have many times remarked that I feel like an observer of my own life.
It’s hard for me to give examples of what that looks like. I’m not completely disconnected, nor do I feel even a little disconnected at all times. There are times when I feel very present.
One of the ways I recognize that I am disconnected, however, is that I have a very difficult time remembering details of events, important conversations, and most importantly I think, is that I cannot remember how things make me feel.
A strong sense of how disconnected I feel really hit me while reading this lovely life by Vicki Forman (a powerful memoir of premature motherhood that I encourage you all to read if you haven’t already).
One of the things that impressed me the most about the memoir was how Vicki was so aware of her feelings during the tragic events. I suspect that’s part of what makes her a gifted writer. Connecting to her experiences. You can have all the writing skills in the world, but if you aren’t connected to and fully experiencing your own life, what is there to write about?
There are many bloggers out there who are outstanding at connecting to what’s happening in their daily life. diary of a mom, like a shark, Autism in a Word and (a new-to-me one) Floortime Lite Mama instantly come to mind, but there are others.
It’s not really about blogging, though, is it? No, it’s about finding the connections. It’s about more fully experiencing my own life. Not just the moments with the kids, but also the moments that make up ALL of my life. My friendships, my home, my extended family.
Because writing is what I love, and because it’s the only thing at which think I’m any good (and not even very good at that), I’ve taken up journaling again. Writing daily while fresh is going to be the first step at helping me reconnect with my own life.
I was an avid journaler from about age 13, when my mom bought me my first journal, all the way through age 30. Journaling began to dwindle after I became engaged. I have barely journaled at all in my 8 years of marriage.
Ironic, really, since the last 8 years have been the most interesting and journal-worthy of all.
My old journals are, to tell the truth, almost embarrassing. I shake my head at how immature I sounded. My main focus was writing about the boys, guys and eventually men I was interested in. I wrote and wrote and wrote about my crushes, my dates, my disappointments, my loves.
(Perhaps all that writing was a good thing, though, as I ended up with an amazing husband and we have a solid, happy marriage. Maybe all that processing helped me in some small way.)
I’m hoping that by taking the time to journal and spend time writing for just myself, and not with an audience in mind, I will begin to fully connect with my very own life and not feel like just an observer.
Eventually, I’d like to see that connectedness translated into more thoughtful and thought-provoking writing.
If that never happens, that’s okay. It is the journey that matters.
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