Different is bad

In Charlotte’s world, different is bad. Same is good.

And with that our free ranging days are over. Sort of. Charlotte will still walk home from school, but walking to school has gotten to be too much for her.

Up until about a month ago, most days she would walk. About once a week she would refuse. It seemed unpredictable to me. Some days she’d be a few steps into it and turn around and run home. Other times, she wouldn’t even walk out the front door.

I admit it was maddening to me. I just wanted her to walk because that was THE PLAN. Stick to the plan!

Then about a month ago she caught a nasty virus which turned into pneumonia and she missed a week of school. The following Monday she was too “nervous” to walk. “What if the other kids don’t remember me?”

All week she refused until Friday. But the next week it started up again. And since then I think she has only walked to school one or two times.

It’s tough getting good answers from Charlotte on why she does what she does. A few days ago she said she didn’t walk a particular day because it was just too different. The only thing that was different was that two of the kids were a minute late and when they showed up, Charlotte and the others stopped to wait. It was during that brief pause that she ran back home (she was still in the side yard next to the house).

I got to thinking about the walking routine. There are differences each day. What I think of as minor, though, is a big deal to her. A kid is absent. Another is late. There’s an extra walker. Truthfully the consistency isn’t there. And while to me the plan is straightforward – Charlotte walks every day – to her there are many details that are part of the plan. And when those details aren’t the same every day -the plan can’t happen. All must be the same.

It might seem like no big deal if she doesn’t walk -I can drop her off. Except Charlotte won’t get out of the car. She needs an adult to walk her into the building. This has been going on since Kindergarten. The child has tried and tried, but she cannot overcome her anxiety about walking “unattended” in a throng of other kids (possibly another issue) into the school building.

She managed half this year, but now it just isn’t happening.

So what I’ve been doing is parking and walking her in. But then she has a difficult time separating from me. Charlotte has no trouble separating from me anywhere but the morning drop off at school. Unless there’s a trusted adult to go to. And unless I walk her all the way back to class. If I go all the way back, she will cry and beg me not to leave her.

Those mornings are tough.

We need a new plan.

Her teacher and I brainstormed on the phone and came up with one. Fortunately it’s working. We think it meets the best of both worlds. She gets a little bit of an adult escort, but the bulk of the walk to her classroom is independent.

At the start of the year I was excited about her walking. Such a “typical” kid thing to do, I thought.

But in typical Charlotte fashion, she’s going to do things her way. As long as it de-stresses her about going to school -she can get there any way she wants.

 

Looking for why

I’m so grateful to the blog community of which I am a not-too-often-heard-from-these-days participant.

Why don’t I blog as much as I used to? The main culprit is time, of course. My time was limited before Nolan came along, and now it’s downright non-existent. Tonight he’s sleeping in his cradle rather than in my arms, but that usually doesn’t happen in the evenings. The boy likes to be held is what I’m saying.

And I like to hold him.

Another reason, I think, is that Charlotte’s major developmental milestones are fewer and further between. Before, when we were deeply entrenched in thrice weekly therapies and special needs preschool, my girl was doing so many “firsts” all the time – there was much rejoicing … and much to share.

I blogged about the challenges as well because, mixed in among all the home runs, they didn’t seem so daunting.

Now that she communicates so well and we’re not working on basic foundational kinds of stuff – it feels like we’re mostly left with the challenges. The behavioral stuff. The stuff that I don’t always feel like writing about.

Which brings me to why I’m so grateful for this community. Because while I don’t write as often as I used to, I do read. And read. And read.

And reading helps.

Last week a post by Susan Etlinger was featured on The Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism. In The Inclusion Dance, Susan writes about her son’s bumpy transition into Kindergarten, and how, like a detective, she would try to sort through the clues to figure out what might have triggered her son’s meltdown.

That post, that day, was exactly the message I needed.

So often my husband and I stand there and wonder, “What in the hell just happened?”

Where did things go wrong? Morning was great, afternoon horrible, evening a delight. Why?

We started getting a little too focused on discipline. What will the consequences be for this atrocious behavior?

And while consequences are important and do have their place, I find that it doesn’t work to start there.

We have to go back and take on that detective role. What’s causing this?

And so I’m grateful for Susan’s post that day. Because it reminded me that despite all the tremendous gains Charlotte has made in the 3 1/2 years we’ve been at this, she is still a child with Autism. She thinks differently and responds differently.

My job is not to just keep saying, “Stop doing that,” but to put on that detective’s hat and discover the “why” of the behavior.

You know what I discovered? It doesn’t take long to figure out that why.

This weekend we’re trying something new.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to write a post next week saying that the new worked and that we had a great weekend.

Hopefully.

 

1 in 4, 1 in 6

Part of the reason we chose last week to go to  South Carolina was to help out my sister. She’s a teacher and had 4 teacher days before school started this week. We were there to watch my niece while she was at work.

One of the meetings she had to attend was training about sexual abuse. They shared a statistic. One in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before age 18.

Let me repeat.

One in FOUR.

One is SIX.

I am horrified. I knew that it happened a lot, but 1 in 4 shocked me. I had no idea it was THAT prevalent.

As the mother of two little girls, I’m sickened.

As the mother of a little girl with language challenges, I’m doubly sickened. Triple.

I cannot imagine what the stats are among the disabled.

I have no point to this post other than to affirm what I already know – we can never be too careful with our children.

 

I want a pool. In my house.

It’s the last night of vacation. The kids are watching Scooby Doo (their first time) and hopefully will be drifting off soon. The car is packed. Clothes for tomorrow are laid out. I drank a beer with dinner in hopes of making me fall asleep easily.

All things considered, we have had a very, very good week. (By all things, I mean those vacation-related.) The personalities of the 5 and under set are strong. Every day we encountered squabbles of varying degrees, but none that weren’t easily resolved.

I have to wonder how much all the swimming has had to do with it. We swam 4 times this past week including one trip to the beach.

Charlotte tried out her cousin’s life jacket (it only took about an hour before she was willing to don it) and fell in love. On our way out to the beach I picked her up one of her own (on clearance too!).

With the life jacket on she was able to just float and float. She loved it. She had no reason to get out of the water. I think the calming effect of that sensory input carried over throughout the week.

I’m not saying for sure that it was the sensory input that made our week enjoyable. It could have also had something to do with the sheer fact that swimming just wears kids out. Especially when, if you’re Charlotte, you have jumping contests with your cousin. Of, if you’re Sarah, you want to be dunked over and over again (which also wore ME out).

There were, I’m sure, other reasons we can call the week a success. We didn’t over- or underdo the activities. We picked all very kid-friendly things to do. Charlotte and Sarah both really like their cousin (and all her new-to-them toys).

But still. The swimming. I think there’s something to it.

I want a pool. In my house.

How does one make THAT happen?